


Lose My Way

by Sonny



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post Season 5, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-05
Updated: 2005-10-05
Packaged: 2017-10-13 16:25:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/139302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SEQUEL to COMPLETELY COMPLETE ; Now that Brian has reunited Michael and his daughter, the situation suddenly changes to lay an opportunity at his feet to rekindle whatever he's lost with Michael. Is he willing to take a chance?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ann... you saved me, like Michael and Brian save each other... Honey, I am in your debt. I bow at your feet.

  
**LOSE MY WAY – Part 1**   


 

  
**Excerpt From COMPLETELY COMPLETE :**   


_"For the first time in my life, I'm utterly speechless."_

 _"No you're not." Michael sighed, loving the feel of being held, enclosed in Brian's arms, with Jenny safely in his own. "Don't open your eyes… look here…" He reached up a hand to soothe over Brian's chest, near his rapidly beating heart. "… and tell me what you see…"_

 _Brian let out a mixture of a snicker, bursts of air and a sob._

 _Michael pressed his fingers over Brian's mouth. "Sssshhhh… it's okay. You can take your time. I'm not in a rush."_

 _"… 'm in-no rush too..." This little comment came from Jenny. She finally lifted her head from her perch on her father's shoulder. "… i's okay to be scar'd, Brian..."_

 _Michael nodded his head. "She's right."_

 _"I know… but--"_

 _"… 'but' what?"_

 _"I've hurt you so much already. It's not right for me to ask anything more of you."_

 _"Tell me, Brian." Michael went back to rubbing Brian's shirt. "What do you see here?"_

 _"You…" Brian opened his eyes, gazing directly into Michael's face. Michael's eyes were still closed. He brought up his hand, in the form of a fist, and tenderly rubbed Michael's cheek._

 _Michael chuckled. "You sure that's it?"_

 _"No, not ever. I look at you and--" Brian shrugged, finding all his answers in Michael's strikingly handsome features. When had those boyishly handsome features matured and become exactly what he never knew he needed?_

 _"And what?" Michael pressed his face into Brian's soft touch._

 _"I see… my future… and… I'm complete…"_

 _Michael opened his eyes just in time to see Brian bend down to kiss him, brushing their noses together first… and falling into madness._

 **~*~THE END**

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

  
**Chapter One**   


 

Out of all the kisses ever given between Brian Kinney and Michael Novotny, the present one seemed to surpass the last top five. The next one, waiting in the wings, somehow preordained to fill another spot on the list, taking over a previous explosive kiss.

Individually, they had their own top favorites, filling each blank quite successfully. But once their friendship had become closer than most, nearing what could constitute as a “couple”, they had dwindled the memories that had tagged along with their favorite kisses out of the equation. All that remained was the characteristics of each kiss, which would secretly inform each man how the other was feeling.

Because of the excess of candidates throughout their relationship, the Top Five had slowly formed down to the Best of Three. What neither realized, even after the change, a sly “fourth” pick had slipped into the list, becoming more of a pinch hitter when any of the others failed to appear.

Michael never knew Brian loved to initiate the kissing. Certainly not because he liked to be in constant control, but because of the reaction Michael always gave upon impact. A bit of shock, with a tense pause of stiffness, but soon dissipating into some hidden intensity. In no time flat, the increase in lip pressure would cause Brian to fall into the tender vulnerability and easy acceptance of Michael’s mouth. The slow, gentle way Michael loosened his body, dipping into the heady contact and allowing the sweet, seductive invasion.

Not to take the powerful intrusion away from an occasional kiss stolen by Michael that usually left Brian immensely aroused. Brian simply never felt quite comfortable afterwards, at how easily he could lose himself and abandon all feeling in those moments where Michael took control.

Brian didn’t realize how often Michael would rather leave himself subjected to those unexpected kisses. He liked handing over control, leaving Brian the bearer of responsibility. Most would chalk it up that Michael felt a “novice” compared against Brian’s massive experiences, which wasn’t true at all. His only reasoning was purely selfish, never assured of what Brian was feeling exactly in that very second of time.

Smack dab in the middle of the kissing, Michael could quickly decipher right where Brian wanted to be, what emotion he was experiencing at the moment. Neither the closeness of their bodies, the influx of a regimen of potent caresses, nor the process of the perfect words whispered in his ear were more truth-telling than the primal touch… _the barest of whispers_ … of Brian’s lips on Michael’s.

This kiss… at the flight’s gate in the Liberty Air Terminal… was beginning to overcome every single kiss up to this point in time.

Never one to regret a single minute in Brian’s company, Michael hated knowing that somewhere in their future sat another kiss that might knock this one out of the park, taking its place. That kind of thinking often diminished the emotions conjured, not letting them be savored and immortalized for when the usual uncertainties surfaced.

The fact was inevitable that Brian knew he’d be compared to every other man in Michael’s life. The knife cutting deeper when he had accepted that Michael would have the same significant other in his life and he would be competing with only _one_ other man, time and time again. Michael could very well build the same measurement of kissing with Ben, that he had with Brian, leaving him wondering if he measured up.

What Brian didn’t know was that Michael could never fathom the simplistic game of comparing any man with Brian. He was somehow able to separate those two aspects of his life. Not that sharing this kind of intimacy with his husband wasn’t emotional in itself, but kissing was a given with his partner, not meant to be placed on a pedestal and adored.

Lately, though, in the last few years of Michael’s relationships with both men, any kissing shared had decreased in number. In more recent moments, Michael had begun to crave the usual attention from Brian. What was worse was that Michael agonizingly longed for Ben to somehow take Brian’s empty place.

Michael supposed what he felt from this airport kiss was simply a fluke. All this time, since the Babylon incident and all that had transpired with and without Justin in Brian’s life… Brian had been trying to hold back a part of himself he once had no qualms about sharing unabashedly with Michael. Though Brian could say that things hadn’t changed between them, it was more difficult to comply with his own thoughts.

Their friendship had changed, their close relationship morphing into a replica of every other relationship before them. Periodically, they could see flashes of their old ways with one another, but more challenging to muster the old feelings without more heartache.

Michael was fairly certain that it wasn’t the proposal itself that sent Brian off kilter. He really thought it was the way he had not immediately refused, but actually contemplated the prospect, sending Brian into a tailspin of emotions, out of control.

Brian was lost, feeling abandoned amongst the ruins of what he once thought was going to be his life; past, present and into future. He was attempting to survive on his own without his one true constant, unaware he had become so dependent. As if the moment Michael said “I DO” to Ben, everything Brian had known, thought or expected out of his best friend was thrown out the window.

Thinking his life would remain the same, Brian had no idea how to start over being alone, once again. He knew he hadn’t handled the loss of Michael’s presence in his life well, probably going to phenomenal extremes to keep Michael away for good. He pushed Michael as hard as he could, thinking he knew what Michael really wanted, what he thought would make Michael most happy. He even failed miserably at that.

Brian had yet to see any evidence that everything he sacrificed, for Michael’s sake, was actually worth something. Little did he know the shame Michael felt at not being able to prove that this kind of normalcy was possible for them… separate or together.

Brian had thought to kiss Michael while his eyes were closed, but there was something new surfacing. Tilting his head, brushing his nose tip over Michael’s, he inched near to Michael’s open lips of shock… waiting for the right moment.

The very second Michael had lifted one lid, Brian sunk deeper, searching for the contact he’d been craving for so long. The contact he used to selfishly steal without notice. His mouth lifted up on one side, in a sly grin, hearing Michael’s sharp intake of breath. One arm secured tighter about the tiny waist, bringing the pliable form to his chest.

Michael felt the usual fearlessness, but what caught him off guard was the delicate attention Brian paid to the actual kissing. The way the skin of their mouths barely touched, then became one unit of burning flesh. If Michael were any other man, he’d probably push the brawny arms away, ending the demonstrative brutality.

Oddly, this was refreshing. To be taken without really being asked, but wanting this desperately to happen. To feel the sturdy arms of love around his body, the gentle affection soothing his feverish skin.

Jenny squirmed to be put down, knowing she couldn’t go far, but that she had to stand by her father and Brian. She chose to hang onto her father’s pant leg, feeling that was safest.

Michael sighed, knowing he was surely beginning to fall in love all over again. Quite possibly even deeper than he had in their youth.

Brian discovered, early on, the warmth that radiated off Michael’s body had always given him a sense of who he was… of belonging somewhere… to someone. Now that feeling intensified into one of homecoming… of wanting to build a sense of home life. Having something permanent, long-lasting with Michael that went beyond friendship.

Michael drew away first, his brow perspiring, skimming against Brian’s jaw. He tried to catch his breath. He hadn’t been prepared for this… but was he ever?

Brian stared down at Michael’s bent head, wanting the kiss to last forever. “What’s wrong?”

“You can tell me if I’m way out of line on this, but…” Michael’s shaking hand came up to smooth down his own face. “… _that_ felt like a promise.”

Brian lightly chuckled, moving his head to tuck into the crook of Michael’s shoulder. “I’m not saying you have to decide anything now. I’m not forcing you to tell me what you want right this minute. All I know is… the very second we go our separate ways, out of this terminal, you have to go back home and live your life. Whatever happens will happen.” He brought up his hand, brushing the back of his knuckles down Michael’s cheek. “I won’t bolt in the other direction… nor will I make your life a living Hell on Earth because I don’t get my way.” He held Michael’s head away from him, cupping the shape.

“What are you telling me?”

Brian looked up at the ceiling, clearing his throat. He felt like a nervous grade schooler, standing at the front of the class for Show & Tell. “I’m _here_.” He managed to glance down once, catching sight of Jenny sparing him a look or two as she tried to make it seem like she wasn’t paying close attention. “I’m not leaving.” He nearly said those words for her… keeping his promise. He lifted his gaze, staring directly into Michael‘s mesmerizing eyes. He didn't even blink once. “You’re worth the wait.”

Michael was too stunned to speak, not sure Brian was actually speaking these words.

“You weren’t expecting me to say something like that. I know. I don’t have the best track record when it comes to things of this nature.” Brian sighed, shrugging one shoulder. “You’re different. That should make this much easier, right? I don’t know how--what I’ll do to fill up the lonely nights, but I’m sure it won’t be from my usual routine.”

“My God...” Michael blinked once. “… you’re serious.”

Brian heard the shock in Michael’s voice. “And I can’t ever be serious?”

“No. C’mon.” Michael rubbed a hand down Brian’s forearm to grasp his hand. “Yes, of course. It’s--are you really sure this is what you want? How you see your life panning out in the next few years?”

Brian couldn’t help but grin sheepishly, looking at Michael under his eyelids, playing coy. “You have something better for me besides you?”

“No…” Michael was slightly perplexed by the question, but he knew he couldn’t bear to watch Brian lose his heart to another man.

“So… what’s the problem?”

“There is no problem.” Michael realized what he’d said, smoothing a hand over his brow. “Wait… I lied. There is.” He couldn’t believe Brian wasn’t stating the obvious. Was he simply waiting for Michael to cave in?

“Ben. I realize that.”

“Good. Kind of you to remember.”

“How can I not? He seems to be everywhere.” Brian took Michael’s hand, dangling along with his, a finger tinkling with the silver wedding band. “Even when you’re alone… _here with me_ … he’s still with you.”

“He's my husband.” Michael snatched his hand back, feeling a flick of heat. “We do share a life together.”

Brian picked his bag back up, slinging the strap about his chest. “Thanks.” He handed Jenny her backpack. “I don’t really need a reminder.”

Jenny heard the sadness in Brian’s voice. She traded hands, freeing her right hand to grab for Brian’s left. She grasped the sturdy fingers in her tiny grip. She didn’t want him to run away anytime soon.

Brian glanced down at Jenny, watching Michael bend on one knee to help put the Barbie backpack on Jenny’s small shoulders. When she had to release Brian’s hand, he kept his palm on top of her head, cupping the curls. He smirked when he noticed she quickly scrambled to grab for his fingers again.

“..’m hungry.” Jenny announced between Brian and Michael.

Michael stood, hearing his knee crack, a hip pop into place. “I don’t know what you mean exactly by saying this all to me -- right now -- but…”

“How did this feel to you?”

“The kiss? Or…?” Michael lost his train of thought. “… what… I’m not…”

“Everything. Go back to the moment I called you from Toronto. Have you believed me since then?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s difficult about now?”

Jenny looked up at her father, noticing his blank stare that quickly turned into despair. As if he was so sure he’d lose some kind of ground with Brian if he didn’t have the right answers. She frantically tugged on one of her father’s flailing hands. “... le’s go eat, Daddy.”

“Not now, Jen.” Michael slowly shook his head in decline. “We need to get you and Brian's luggage before they decide to sell everything on the black market.” He bit the inside of his cheek. He was sort of confused at the moment, wishing he had Jenny’s naïve mind again.

Brian pulled the family unit along behind him, poor Jenny trying to keep up with his long steps. “By all means, let’s keep this thing in gear." He muttered, looking up at the signs hanging from the ceiling, directing all passengers toward the different areas of the terminal. “I wouldn't want it to stall on my account.”

Jenny wasn’t quite clear on what Brian or her father meant with their comments. All she knew was she wasn’t going to eat until later. Much, _much_ later.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

“Daddy?” Jenny quietly approached her father, hand on his knee. She shook it gently.

“Yup!” Michael sprouted into action, forgetting who had called out to him. “Oh, sorry, honey.” He reached out to pull Jenny between his thighs, letting her face the oval baggage carousel. He encircled his arms about her, resting his chin on the curve of her shoulder. “What is it?”

“... you upset wit' Brian?”

“No, I’m not.” Michael had no idea why he jumped to his own defense so quickly. Maybe his struggles to have a decent conversation with Ben, lately, had him clearly running mad. “He hasn’t done anything to make me angry, sweetie.” He couldn’t really go into too much detail about his past experiences with Brian. “Out of curiosity…” He pulled her closer, soothing her belly. “… why do you ask?”

Jenny shrugged, her head bowed as she spoke aloud. “He’s all by himself... over there. I went to 'im, but he tol' me to come sit wit' you... he keeps lookin' at us... then he looks away, like he's not...” She wasn’t trying to be nosy, she just didn't understand what was keeping her father and Brian from being _friendly_   
with each other.

“Ohhh… really?” Michael thought that was quite perplexing to discover. So he attempted to find out for himself. He slowly lifted his head, his eyes focusing on Brian’s distant form.

Sure enough… Brian averted his head in record time. He began to shuffle his body backward, losing himself in the crowds of passengers.

Michael was thankful that Jenny had become a second pair of eyes for him, when watching Brian. She somehow knew when Brian was acting strange. Early on, after he’d been recuperating from the bombing of Babylon, Michael had realized he had lost some _sense_ of Brian and he didn’t know how to get that power back. “Tell me something…”

“... uh-huh?” Jenny turned slightly in between her father’s knees, her back against his leg. She lifted her sooty eyelashes to gaze up at him. She liked knowing she could help Brian and her father, in any way she could.

“How often… since you’ve known Brian… have you seen him do something like that?” Michael was curious beyond belief to see what other people thought of his relationship with Brian. Why not his own daughter since she was closer than anyone else was to Brian?

“... all the time, I think… he stares, a lot... an' he does it when no one looks...” Jenny breathed out a light chuckle at her own silliness. 

Michael closed his eyes, leaning his head toward Jenny’s. He was feeling that sharp piercing again, when someone else had to remind him of how much Brian hid behind his emotions, his constant inner turmoils. “Thanks, baby.” He pressed a kiss just above her ear. He was about to stand when Jenny fully twisted around to face him, her eyes in a sudden desperate plea. “What’s wrong? What else is there?”

“Daddy, don’ be mad at me.”

“Sweetie…” Michael secured his arms, locking his fingers at Jenny’s lower back. “… you could never upset me the way you think. Everything is fixable and even if you think it’s not… there’s always some way we can work it all out.”

Jenny picked at her father’s shirt sleeve, contemplating if this was the right move to make. “I don’ wan't Brian to be mad, either.”

“Not possible. He loves you… almost as much as he does Gus.”

Jenny looked down and smiled wider, knowing that was true in some sense. Her heart skipped a beat at the thought. “... I know 'm not sub'pos'd to know...” She shook her head, her curls shimmying from side-to-side. “… I don’ wanna make you madder at me...”

“What is it, Jen?” Michael had some idea that it might have to do with herself, but from the way she was trying _not_ to glance toward Brian… he knew it wasn’t anywhere close to what he thought.

“... i’s Brian...”

“What _about_ him?” Michael soothed her soft cheek.

Jenny looked once over her shoulder, not truly worried Brian might hear, but wanting one more glance at him to know she was doing the right thing. She couldn’t bear him looking so sad any longer. “I think…” She raised her lids intently, pinning her father’s gaze. “… Brian misses you.”

“I know. I’ve missed him, too.”

Jenny shook her head. “No... he _misses_ you like I do...” She sighed, a hand in the air to make her point, plain and simple. “... he's doesn't feel good, when you ar'n't there...”

“Jenny, sweetie, look…”

Jenny’s fingers reached out to clamp a gentle grip on her father’s shoulder. If she wanted this to be said, she had to do it now. “... he loves you… so _veryveryvery_ much…” She licked her dry lips, nerves kicking in.

“I know.” Michael chucked Jenny under her chin. His heart was skipping beats to actually know what he already knew, but had thought was lost to him, for quite awhile. “Like you do too.”

Jenny shook her head again, sadly. “No, Daddy... Brian _loves you_ -loves you... like a, uh... _ro-man-tic_ love.” She hoped she got that word out perfectly, like she had heard it said to her.

Michael bit his top lip. “An’ you know this… _how_   
?”

“Brian tol' me.” Jenny pulled no punches with the truth.

“Brian told you? He told you _this_ … what you’re saying to me now?” Michael wasn't doubting Jenny, but he wasn’t assured that Brian had admitted something that untouchable, and secretive, to Jenny.

“... at Gus' party... b'fore we talk'd on the phone wit' you...” Jenny crinkled her brow in deep thought. “... he got scar'd...”

“Scared of _what_?” Michael felt weird asking Jenny questions about Brian’s psychological make-up.

Jenny shrugged, she wasn’t quite sure she had this correct or not. “... you leavin'... like I am...”

Michael made a noise, shaking his head. “Jenny, I’d never abandon you. You must know that.”

“... sorry, Daddy… I didn' know...” Jenny’s voice became smaller than she was.

Michael had to sit back for a few minutes. He couldn’t believe how much trouble Ben had gotten him into. And where was he to help swim back to shore with Jenny… her sanity fully intact? He wished Ben was here, this minute, to see what he turned his daughter into. Thank God Brian had gotten enough sense to bring them together again, just in time.

“... are you mad at me, Daddy?”

Michael shook his head, pulling Jenny up to sit on his lap. He let her rest against his chest. “I’m angry at myself. Maybe I’m angry at Ben too because we both let this go too far with you. I didn’t mean to make you think I wasn’t coming back. I just--I wasn’t--” Michael sighed heavily, hugging Jenny close and rocking her in his arms. “There truly is no excuse for what I’ve done, sweetie. I’m not even going to try and sugarcoat it, because that would diminish what I have right now. You here, home with me. I can’t look away anymore. I can’t try to make someone else happy when I can't even be happy myself.”

“Daddy…” Jenny pushed her torso up off her father’s body. “… I don' know if Brian wan's you to know...”

“What, Jenny?”

“... I think he's been 'lone enuff...” Jenny patted her father’s chest tenderly, making some motions to slide down to stand on the floor.

Michael glanced up to see that Brian was nowhere near the baggage carousel. He stood straighter in his plastic chair, his hand grappling for Jenny’s, as if he needed her guidance… her easy presence to carry him through his next few steps. He looked about the area, his eyes never catching sight of the familiar face and body. In that split second of time, he had even forgotten what Brian had been wearing. Fear filled his lungs, making his next patch of air catch in his throat.

“ _I see him._ ” Jenny squeezed her father’s hand, listening to the tortured breathing come out of his mouth. She knew something was going on without her knowledge and she had begun to set it in motion. “You okay, Daddy?”

Michael swiftly faced Jenny, his features not quite assured of anything. “I’m not--I don’t--”

Jenny stepped up to make sure her father was all right. “... can I ask sumthin'?”

“Sure. Anything.” Michael let out a pent up breath, hoping it was way beyond any thought he had to process at the moment.

“... did sumthin' bad happin wit' you an' Brian?”

Michael opened his mouth to respond with a quick reply, but he realized what he had planned to say wasn’t really as honest as he could be. He shook his head, bowing forward to put a hand over his face. He wished he could crawl under a rock and stay there until tomorrow morning. “ _Oh… Christ…_ ”

“... wha’s wrong, Daddy?”

“Jenny…” Michael was flabbergasted that he was willing to spill everything to Jenny right here, right now. In all seriousness, she was his only ally at this very second. “I would say… _in answer to your great question_ … that possibly the moment Ben proposed to me and I told Brian -- told him that I was actually thinking seriously about accepting -- that _that_ was the moment Brian felt he lost me.”

“... Brian didn’ like Ben?”

“No… yes… I don’t know… maybe… well, it’s a long story. But in simple terms, Brian felt that when I became the life-long partner with any other man, _but him_ … that the decision would sever our friendship. I would no longer be fun to go out with because I would have other responsibilities. I would be living a separate life away from him and he would no longer be important in my life.”

“... did Brian ask you?... did he pro-pose too?”

“Brian never knew I wanted that kind of life. The kind of life that normal people have.”

“... wha's nor-mil, Daddy?” Jenny’s brow frowned in thought.

“Some people don’t consider us… _the men who love men and the women who love women_ … normal.”

“... you ar'n't?”

Michael didn’t know how to answer that without speaking in a foul language. “What do you think we are?”

“... you love sumbody, right?”

“Yeah… pretty much.”

“... wha’s wrong wit' that?... w're sub'pos'd to love one another, even if we're differ'nt?”

“Some people find it wrong and sinful to love the same sex… the same gender.”

“... but you love a pur-son, Daddy… you don’ love a gen-dur... like you said.”

“How right you are, sweetie… how right you are…” Michael held Jenny close, but held her back to look at her.

“... you love Ben?”

“Yes. I always will. He’s my husband.”

“... you love Brian?”

Michael contemplated longer, but responded. “Yes, I do. Regretfully, I still do love him.”

“... why?... wha's ree-gret?”

“He was my first love. I thought he’d be my last, as well.”

“... you can't choose?”

“No.”

“... why not?”

“It’s not in my nature to make anyone feel superior over anybody else. I love them both.”

“... the same?”

Michael paused, shaking his head. “Not lately. No.”

“... what’s wrong?”

“Ben and I haven’t been… we haven’t really been seeing eye-to-eye lately. On a lot of things.”

“... 'm part of those ‘things’?”

“Yes, but you’re not the major problem between us.”

Jenny realized how difficult it was becoming for her father to talk openly with her. “... were thin's bad b'fore I wuz born?”

Michael stared directly at Jenny. “Yes, not quite soon after you were born. You were here… just a baby.”

“... did you want me?... were you glad I wuz born?”

“I could still weep from the joy.” Michael squeezed Jenny to his chest. “I loved you from the very moment I felt you kick in your Mommy’s tummy.”

“... did I kick hard?” Jenny smirked, blinking away her shyness.

“Hard enough to wound my heart from the moment they put you in my arms.” Michael threaded his fingers through her long hair.

“... Daddy, wha't happin'd?”

“I got hurt really bad, sweetie.” Michael swallowed with some difficulty, his eyes slowly shutting in utter sadness. “I nearly died.”

“No!” Jenny tried to pull away, wanting to look her father in the eye. “... tha’s not true.” She couldn’t believe she almost didn’t have her father here. She realized that she wasn’t being let go of. Her father held onto her tighter than he’d ever had before. “... stop lying... you’re here... you said you won’ go'way.” She tried to hit at him, get him to tell her what had happened.

“I’m not, baby, I’m not.” Michael picked Jenny up again, rocking her back in his arms. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“... promise?”

“Yes. I promise.”

“... don’ lemme go... ever.”

Michael tried to hold back his tears, knowing this wasn’t the place for emotional upheavals. “I won’t, Jenny.”

Jenny tried to catch her breath, her little heart beating a mile a minute. Why hadn’t anybody told her this? Why had they kept it a secret? “Daddy?” She muttered the word against her father's shoulder.

“Yes?”

“... did Brian know you hurt yurself bad?”

Michael closed his eyes again, this time… the way he held onto Jenny was frightening her. “That’s _ **it**_   
, Jenny.” He couldn’t believe she’d helped him crack open Brian’s problem.

“... i’s okay, Daddy... yur here... yur safe…” Jenny was patting her father’s back, wishing she could hold him just a bit more tighter. “… an’ alive... an' Brian’s here, too... an’ we can be a fam'ly. I know we can. I know it. Please… please don’ let 'im go too. Not ah-gain... 'm 'fraid.”

“ _Of what?_ ” Michael kissed the side of Jenny’s face about a million times.

“... of Brian bein' alone ah-gain...”

“He won’t be alone… ever. **I** won’t let him be. I promise you that.”

“... an' Ben, Daddy?”

“No… Ben may not like that situation too much”

Jenny had to pull back, staring at her father’s face. “... you'll get in trouble?”

“Yes. Probably.” Michael rolled his eyes. “What am I saying? I’ll most definitely get into trouble.”

“... i's my fault, then...”

“No… I _won’t_ allow that.”

“... why not?... Ben does not like me...” Jenny stated matter-of-factly, not caring how Ben felt about her.

“Jenny… don’t say that.”

“... i’s true.”

“Ben’s never said _those_ words to me.”

“... words mean nuthin'... action means ev'rythin'... tha's what Brian says...”

“Oh, _does_ he?”

“Yes, Daddy. All the time.” Jenny squirmed to be put down. “... can I go see Brian now?”

“Sure.”

Jenny kept her hand linked with her father’s. “... you gonna be okay?”

“ _Now_ I am. _Now_ that I know what I’m battling with.”

“... love, Daddy… don’ be scar'd, i’s just love...” Jenny made a face as if to say, “ _ **How hard can the choice be? Brian or Ben?**_ ” She already knew who made him _most_ happy. She left her father with the half-full baggage cart. “Brian!” She called out to make Brian aware she was on her way.

Brian turned from the glass wall he’d been staring out of, reaching down to catch the little dark-haired imp running toward him. He didn’t have to think about what he wanted, he only knew he felt compelled to hold her in his arms. The emptiness he’d been feeling for this minuscule time alone… _waiting for some stupid matching luggage sets_ … was eating at him.

Hard to fathom that a person could almost drown that easily standing perfectly upright.

Jenny wrapped her arms about Brian’s entire head, tight. His face became meshed in the front of her dress. Her breath caught as she felt Brian inhale her scent deeply, as if it somehow grounded him, bringing him out of his self-imposed misery. She tenderly petted his back, slinking down to wrap her legs about his waist, level with his face. “... see our stuff, yet?”

Brian shook his head as he swiveled Jenny around to look at the digital readout above the first baggage carousel. “See those red numbers?”

Jenny nodded, then began to read them off. “One-five-two.” She glanced at Brian, wondering what he was teaching her. She loved how he knew about almost everything they came into contact with each day. He was a waterfall of information, some of it pretty silly at times. “... is that a number?”

“Sure is. That was a 'flight number'.” Brian swiftly pecked Jenny’s available cheek, keeping his mouth near her ear. “Just watch. Pretty soon _our_ flight’s number will pop up.” He pulled one of the plane tickets out where the flight number was in bold print.

As Jenny watched, an arm about Brian’s neck, the digital numbers changed again, displaying. “Next… Two-four-eight…” She looked back at Brian, smiling. “... yur right!... how cool...”

“Yes, technology is quite nifty.”

Jenny lightly chuckled, tipping her head to crack against Brian’s. “... I love you.” She whispered quite secretly so no one who was nearby could hear.

Brian immediately stood taller. His body in protective mode. Why did he feel so… _tingly_ all over when Jenny said those words to him? He had no real explanation, except to say that no one but Michael had ever simply said the words without being prompted or forced. And lately, he hadn’t even heard _those_ words from Michael. “You do, do you?” He stared at her like he wasn’t sure.

Jenny nodded her head, like one of the bobble toys she’d seen in the airport’s gift shop in Toronto. “Yes, Brian.”

“Why?” Brian put up a hand to steady Jenny’s wobbly head.

“... why can’t I?”

“Because…”

“... 'cuz why?”

“I’m no good.”

“... no good at what?”

“No I’m just simply… _no good_.”

“... wha’s that mean?” Jenny scrunched her face in confusion.

“I’m _not_ a _good_ person. _Not_ a _very_   _nice_ person. Especially to love.”

“... yur good to me… yu nice to me...” Jenny shook her finger at him, then proceeded to push him a little, like a bully. “... I don’ care what you say… ’m gonna love you any-way.” She was shimmying her body, like a little dance from side-to-side.

“ _Really?_ ” Brian hugged Jenny tightly to his body, feeling her legs secure about him.

“... yes… try an' stop me...” Jenny mumbled as she tucked her head on Brian’s shoulder, waiting with him for their luggage to surface.

Brian bent his head to speak into her ear. “I wouldn’t dare try to make you budge one inch, Lady Jenny.”

 

 **~~TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

  
**LOSE MY WAY – Part 2**   


 

Michael had been standing back, closely observing Brian with Jenny.

Why had he never noticed this before? Had he been gone from his daughter’s life for so long he’d forced Brian to become the father he had promised himself he’d try to be with his own child? Was Brian truly stepping up to the plate and being the father figure or was he only just biding his time until Michael was “his” again?

If he were really the jealous type, not knowing Brian that well, Michael would have jumped to that conclusion. But with the kind of track record for both of them, Michael knew Brian was as honest in his relationship with Jenny as he was with Gus. Not so sure he was good enough to measure up to much of anything.

Michael knew Brian had a hard road in his own battle with fatherhood. Not that Gus ever lacked much or that he wanted for something more. Brian just didn’t see himself as serving any purpose in Gus’ life or his upbringing. That he wouldn’t be important or mean something special to his own son. He never even thought he gave of himself enough to make Gus know that if he was in need of anything he had someone to turn to.

Michael realized something as he viewed the scene before him, watching Brian’s gentle care and attention toward Jenny. Brian was never one to boast or display petty emotions for all to see, but to any other eye looking at the man and child… the proof was fairly clear that there was love there, probably beyond any comprehension.

Michael nearly burst at the seams to know that he hadn’t done anything to push this relationship together. It had formed on its own worth. Jenny had an empty space, Brian needed to be needed. Michael was pleased he could help Brian heal himself, if anything.

Michael choked on his next breath. Why had he suddenly become doubtful of Brian? Had they allowed those deep feelings to lay so dormant, for so long that they dried up and withered away? Or… were they still there, barely peeking out of the surface; hidden but protected until such time as they were wanted to be explored again?

Odd, so often in the early years of their close friendship, those wistful romantic feelings ran neck-n-neck with every other emotion between them. Had Michael perfected the move well enough, these last few years? Pushing those feelings far away that they'd become unattainable? Was there something… _someone_ … in his life that could possibly have stolen that childlike innocence of loving Brian unconditionally, forgiving him for anything and believing in him with no restraints?

Michael made his move, pushing the baggage cart up toward Brian and Jenny.

Brian had reached out, resting his hand on the rail of the cart. Just sitting there, pinky and ring finger wrapped about the plastic handlebar.

Michael took a chance. Touch had often been another way they could communicate, when words failed to fit the moment. He inched his left hand over. His own pinky the first to make contact with Brian’s fingers.

Brian was startled by the sudden flick of electricity. He stilled, he and Jenny facing the baggage carousel. He unraveled his fingers, splaying his hand over the bar.

Michael knew what was being handed to him.

A second chance? A moment of reprieve? Some breathing space?

Michael could take the moment and run with it or he could back away, claiming everything was fine and dandy, flowers and sunshine at home, letting Brian slip through the very fingers attempting to crawl on top of Brian’s flattened hand.

“I’m not--” Michael slipped quickly into threading his fingers in between Brian’s, not realizing how much he had needed… _craved_ … the caress of his skin.

“ _Neither_ am I.” Brian cleared his throat, stepping back a bit to match his body with Michael’s. “Maybe I confused you before, blurting something out you weren’t prepared to hear.”

“Try… ‘ _ **something I’d never thought I’d ever hear**_ ’… “

“Why ‘never‘?” Brian frowned in confusion.

Their combined hands dangled between their bodies, hidden and tucked away, preciously safe.

Jenny turned her head, laying her cheek on Brian’s shoulder, her eyes downcast to watch the hands merging, the fingers rubbing and soothing skin against skin.

“Brian, please…” Michael had to laugh or he’d shed a lone tear. He hated Brian knowing he’d created a rift between them, making those old doubts resurface.

“You think I think that Ben is in my way, don’t you?”

“Brian, don’t…” Michael put up his free hand to stop Brian from speaking.

“No, seriously, hear me out on this. You see Ben as an obstacle I can’t get past, because… _what?_ He put a ring…” At that, Brian chose to smooth his finger about Michael’s ring. “… on your finger and you two went off together, living happily ever after?”

“Not quite.” Michael puffed out a burst of air on a forced snicker.

“What? What is it?” Brian’s hand pulled Michael closer, gripping hard.

“You.”

“Yeah… so… _what about_ _ **me**_ _?!_ ” Brian tried to stick up for himself.

“You were right all along.”

“About _what_?”

“Marriage… for us.”

Brian blanched, almost dropping Jenny, who chose to look up at her father in shock. “Me… and you?”

Michael opened his mouth to speak, but soon realized what he had said. “Oh shit… no… look… no, I meant for us. The ‘US‘… meaning gay men, in general.”

“Yeah… okay. Now that we're clear on that… _what did I say_?”

“Maybe we all aren’t built for that, even if we want it as bad as we think we do.”

“Excuse me?”

“Maybe I mean… me. Mostly me. All of it pertaining to me. I thought I wanted a family life like I’d missed out on. I thought I could have it with Ben.”

“You _do_ have it with Ben.”

“No… _I don’t_.” Michael shook his head, his eyes lowering in a modicum of shame.

“Michael… you’re talking crazy.”

“Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m finally coming to grips with my purpose. Maybe I’ve been crazy enough to think I deserve what everyone else is privy to, when all I want is--”

“All you want is--?” Brian tried to help Michael finish his thought, complete it before he had a mental breakdown.

Michael, for once, picked up his head, his gaze never wavering. He stared Brian’s hazel eyes down. “All I want is you.”

“You… _my friend_ … need some fresh air.” Brian took the cart from under Michael’s loose grasp.

Michael, faithfully, followed behind as they drew closer to the carousel. “I need you, Brian.”

Brian glanced over his right shoulder, wishing Michael hadn’t said it as loudly as he had. “Would you… keep your voice down, please?”

Michael wasn’t even going to bother looking around at the strange faces watching them. “Why?”

“Michael, don’t embarrass--” Brian pushed them up to a bare spot near the metal oval track.

“I’ve nothing to be ashamed of and neither do you.”

Brian quirked an eyebrow. “Who said I was ’ashamed’?”

“You did.”

“No I didn’t.” Brian set Jenny down next to him, keeping her hand in his grasp so she wouldn’t bolt to catch her bag when it came along the way.

“Yes, you _did_. You said--”

“I’ll go buy us a dictionary, if you need me to, Michael. Using the word ‘embarrassment’ is not the same as being ‘ashamed’.” Brian looked up as the buzzer went off, signaling the beginning rush of the next flight’s luggage.

“Use it in a sentence.” Michael teasingly threatened.

Jenny peeked from around Brian’s leg to glance at her father. She grinned up at him, making sure his anger wasn’t truly… _angry_. Her heart steadied when she received a smile in return.

“I was about to.” Brian rolled his eyes. “You rudely interrupted me.”

Michael shrugged, not willing to have another repeat of a similar game Ben liked to play with him. He didn’t like being reminded of his lowly education, but he knew with Brian… it was simply a game. Their way of flirting without touching. “In my mind, they’re the same.”

“Well… your mind is on the fritz.” Brian switched places with Jenny, his chest nearly banging up against Michael’s. He backed away to avoid the contact.

Michael blocked Brian’s attempt to advance, thinking he was trying to dodge the issue, when both of them knew the issue at hand wasn’t really being discussed. “Where are you going?”

“Michael… move…” Brian silently begged to be allowed to pass without making him confront some serious feelings.

“No. Not until we work _this_ out.”

“What’s ‘this’?”

“The ‘this’ that sits between us… constantly.”

“I’m to assume this isn’t about getting a dictionary anymore?” Brian let one side of his mouth slide up in a smirk as he tried to move forward to show Michael he was trying to get in his path because the baggage was on its way toward them. “Please… inform me, I must’ve been out… what is the ‘this’ that sits between us?”

Michael hadn’t expected Brian to speak to him like that. He thought for sure there was going to be more annoyance, possibly anger. He expected to have to fight more, so he wasn’t prepared. “I’m not sure.” Then he decided to go off on another point that involved both of them. “When I leave this airport, taking Jenny home with me, I’m not quite sure that Ben will be there.”

“How do you mean?” Brian forgot about luggage; Jenny became his eyes, instead. “What haven’t you told me?”

Michael snickered, crossing his arms over his chest. He turned away from Brian to watch the bags falling, then slowly moseying down past them. “Plenty.”

“Obviously.”

“Brian…” Michael’s hand came out to catch on Brian’s arm, near the elbow.

“Has he left you?” Brian swallowed with some difficulty, trying to keep his voice low for Jenny’s sake.

Jenny simply continued to eyeball the strange bags she wasn’t recognizing. Her head volleying like a audience member of a tennis match.

“He… might.” Michael cleared his throat, a hand over his mouth to quiet his words.

“What? All because you’re bringing Jenny home?” Brian puffed his chest a little, becoming defensive for Jenny’s sake.

“No… because I’m bringing _my_ daughter into _our_ home.”

Brian opened his mouth to blurt out an explicative, but he held back for the innocent ears below him. “You’re joking, right?”

“I wish I was.” Michael allowed the idea to sink into Brian’s head. “I'm quite serious.”

“Michael…” Brian truly became speechless.

“Brian…” Michael was simply trying to annoy Brian.

Jenny lifted a hand to point toward the slide from the ceiling. “... Daddy… I saw my bags fall...” She tried to bolt, like Brian thought she would, but she was held strong by Brian’s grasp.

“Wait.” Brian muttered, holding her to his legs.

“Brian…” Michael tried to intervene, holding on to Jenny’s shoulder joint. “Honey, you can’t lift those bags on your own. Let Brian and I help you.”

“Here…” Brian placed Jenny on top of the baggage cart. That made her stand almost the same height as her father. He directed his next words to Michael. “You hoist, I’ll throw… and we’ll talk at the same time.” He pushed the cart back in such a way that Jenny wasn’t within listening distance. “Explain yourself… _now!_ ”

As Michael reached for the Princess Barbie luggage set, he looked at Brian with a tiny grin. “I never told you how much Ben was against having a baby, did I?”

“No, you didn't.” Brian paused, stunned to quiet. “What kind of bullshit is that?”

Michael stood facing Brian, ready to explain himself, tired of hiding. “Ben said he always wanted to be a father, but he wanted a child of his own. His Poz status prevented him from making those kind of dreams possible. Being a sperm donor, like I was.”

A few heads turned, but no one was really paying attention. Most simply weren’t prepared to hear the word “sperm” spoken near the luggage carousel.

“... Daddy… Brian… i’s gettin’ away…” Jenny tried to point out her escaping bag.

Michael put up a palm to make Jenny calm down. “Let it come around again, Jen. We’ll catch it then.”

“Duly noted, Michael…” Brian stepped closer to Michael, realizing they had let one of Jenny’s suitcases pass on by. “… but it still manages to be bullshit. The Professor was pimpin’ like I was, looong before he had Zen-ness within. When did he come up with that load of crap to feed you? Or did he let someone else write his shitty dialogue for him?”

“It’s a valid point.”

“Sure. For Ben it is, but for you… it’s another reason to make you feel useless, maybe even worthless. Better yet, guilty for even wanting a child of your own, when you did _nothing_ wrong. Just because _he_ has hang-ups and doesn't want to for _his_ sake… _you can‘t?_ ” Brian shook his head, looking down at the track by his feet. “It’s like that stupid spiel of his… that whiny ’ _I’m Poz, You’re Not_ ’ rhetoric. Please. Give me a break and cry me a river.”

“Ben didn’t mastermind this situation in our relationship… our marriage. If that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I’m not thinking anything. I’m knowing. Thinking gets me absolutely nowhere.” Brian found out that one of his own bags had fallen recently, slightly before Jenny’s last bag. He reached down to pick it up. “I told you already...” He was taken aback by Michael’s audacity. “… if I brought Jenny home with me, I wanted to be assured I wasn’t placing her in a hostile environment. Worse than what she’s already been in. Did you lie to me?”

“No, I didn’t. Ben’s _not_ hostile. He’s quite sane about the whole thing. We just differ on a few thoughts.”

“Michael… _are you two fighting or not?_ ”

“Yes… and no…” Michael saw the matching color of Jenny’s bag just behind him.

“Don’t forget Prince Charming, Daddy.” Jenny bounced once to make sure her father knew to grab for her bag.

“You _did_ lie to me.”

Michael had two comments come at him at the same time. “Huh?” He glanced between both Jenny and Brian.

Jenny jumped off the cart and wandered over to pick up Prince Charming Ken’s overnight suitcase. She dragged it on its little wheels behind her. She stood beside the metal cart, waiting for Brian and her father to finish.

Michael put up a hand now to calm Brian down. “No, I didn’t. I can _handle_ Ben.”

“Why should you have to? Jenny is _your_ daughter. Supposedly, if you’re married to Ben, she _is_ his daughter, too. Does he not ‘see’ this… or is he a dumb jock, like I thought?”

“Brian, that’s not fair, and it’s low. Ben can’t defend himself here.”

“Can _you_? Try, at least. I’d love to hear your defense. Tell me then, Mr. Can-Handle-Ben- Bruckner… should you bring Jenny home… and that one minute you turn your back, unable to keep a constant watch on her, _he_ manages to sideline her for a few prime seconds. He opens his mouth, saying something that… _I don’t know_ … sets her off again or puts her deeper into a depressive state… can you promise me you’ll be there to pick up the pieces? Can you leave your sacred marriage bed in order to climb into Jenny’s… attempting to stop her from crying herself to sleep… _every single night_?”

Michael bit back his pain, his own frustrations at where he was placed now. In the middle of a mess-n-a-half of backtracking with his own child. He glanced over at Jenny, who was content in looking about the terminal. “Aren’t you going a bit overboard?”

“No. I’m not.” Brian found his last bag, slopping it on top of his other one.

“What makes you assume this kinda thing could happen?”

“Chalk it up to my own personal experience. Maybe even the fact that I _know_ \--I just know that you’re headed for trouble, if you don’t wake up.”

“What do you _know_?”

Brian watched Jenny, knowing she had been secretly listening. Possibly scared he’d say something that would shame her. He couldn’t do that to her in a public place. “Nothing. Not now.”

“No… _not nothing_. And why not now?” Michael tried to make a grab for Brian’s arm, but he was moving too fast.

“Because…” Brian was about to push the baggage cart along the way, when he stopped. Michael’s body was right behind him and banged into his back. He turned to speak down to him, looking directly in his face, hoping his eyes conveyed the right message. “… if you remember, not so long ago, your daughter was hungry. I don’t think that’s happened to appease while we’ve been waiting.”

Michael patted his pockets, realizing they were finally heading out of the airport into sunlight. “I came in a taxi.”

Brian reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. “Lucky for you, I parked my car here, while I was gone.”

Jenny shuffled her way in between Brian and her father, dragging Prince Charming Ken behind her on wheels.

Once outside, Brian headed right for the valet kiosk. With an exchange of ticket and keys, the young man was quickly off on his hunt.

Michael kept a close eye on Jenny, staying by her side. He noticed she didn’t feel much like holding his hand right now. Was she picking up on some of the tension between him and Brian? Did she have any thoughts that he might be upset with her? “You still have the Stingray?” He didn’t think that was a very practical car for them to have with as much as they did.

“No. Not anymore. I bought me a… ’sensible’ car.” Brian pretended to “pat” his own back.

“ _Sensible? For you?_ I’m afraid to even ask. Did you simply update the year of your car?”

Brian knew Michael thought he had possibly gone for a sporty newer version of a Corvette, but… he’d be very, very wrong. “Hardy-Har-Har… maybe I won’t say one more word and let the airport valet surprise you.”

“Great. It’s about time I had a good surprise.”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

“Well… _are you surprised?_ ” Brian asked, finally climbing into the driver’s seat.

Michael was amazed by what he was witnessing. “When did you buy this right under my nose?” He caressed the soft, creamy leather interior under his hand.

Brian watched the way Michael caressed the material, wishing it was being placed on his thigh or somewhere close to his naked skin. He shook his head to clear his mind. “Sometimes, when I feel like it, I drive up to Toronto. I needed something that did the job and made the ride comfortable for the kids.” He realized how that sounded rolling off his tongue. “You know… Gus and Jenny… so I, uh… traded in the Stingray, for something… _practical_.”

Michael looked over at Brian. “I like this.”

“I do, too.” Brian reached over, sticking the key in the ignition and turning on the air conditioning, full blast.

“No. I like _this_ … ‘this’ you. It’s nice.”

“Me? Nice?”

“It’s been known to happen.” Michael pulled the seatbelt across his chest. He still couldn’t believe Brian had a child seat in the back passenger benchseat. Jenny sat perfectly trapped and belted in. “Do you wanna eat some place special, sweetie.”

“.. nope...”

Both Brian and Michael glanced at each other, smiles breaking out over their faces.

“We _can’t_ do that to her, Michael.”

“Her first day? No… seriously.” Michael held back on the laughter as they both had the same thought about not going to the liberty Diner. “Maybe tomorrow, for lunch or something. I don’t think she can take Ma at this time. Jet lag and all.”

“Deb’s gonna throttle you, Michael.” Brian pulled out from the curb and onto the road out of the airport, completely.

“Let her. I think I have some leftover leverage to cover my butt.” Michael glanced to the backseat, watching Jenny sit back, getting comfortable and letting her head fall to the side to view the outside through her window. “ ‘sides, Jenny’s what’s important now. I don’t care about anything else.”

“Promise?” Brian begged, mumbling under his breath.

Michael turned back to face Brian. “Yes. I promise. No lies.”

“Good. That’s good to hear. I hope you can keep it.” Brian doubted that very much since they would soon be on their way toward Michael’s home, and the possibility of Ben being there or not hanging over their heads.

“Me, too.” Michael stared out of the windshield, a wayward hand laying innocently on the space between he and Brian. Pretty soon, like clockwork, there came a familiar warmth that enveloped the cooling hand, laying over-top the skin. He closed his eyes at the easy touch of assurance.

That even though Michael and Brian may fight, there was so much more worth saving between them… and sometimes that was just enough to bear anything.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

“ _ **WAIT!**_ ” Michael quickly stretched out his arm to touch Brian and alert him.

“Don’t touch me there!” Brian recoiled from the feel of Michael almost cupping his right breastbone.

“Sorry. Just… go slow.” Michael made a “creeping along the way” move with his hands to show Brian how he wanted him to drive.

“Slower than my foot not even being on the gas pedal? Why don’t I let you out here…” Brian eased the car to a stopping point. “… and you can hide over there in your neighbor’s bushes, snooping through your own front window.”

“Don’t stop here. Keep going.”

“Michael, quit it. Ben’s home. What more do you need to know before you walk in that doorway?”

“I don’t recognize that car his bike’s strapped to in our driveway.” Michael stated plainly, not knowing why fear pinched at every nerve at this point.

“Maybe he’s tutoring one of his students.” Brian tried to help in the discovery of the mystery guest.

“Look at that car, Brian. A Lexus. What self-sufficient, ordinary college student can afford a Lexus?”

Brian shrugged, at a loss to explain. “Don’t ask me. I worked my perfectly sculpted ass off to put myself through college. I didn’t have my Daddy’s bank accounts to hold my hand while I collected my diploma. These days you know anything is possible.” He tried to make his point but it was falling on deaf ears. “Show me where you want me to park this heap.”

Michael pointed off to the left. “The curb in front of the yard is fine, right now.”

“Swell.” Brian did just that, parking efficiently.

Michael sat, staring at the back end of the Lexus SUV. “His plate looks like it’s from the college. See those stickers, on the right hand side of his back window, those mean he can park anywhere on campus.”

“An old college chum from the good ole days?” Brian tried again to answer some unanswerable questions.

“You aren’t helping any, Brian.”

“You’re not being a good sport about this, Michael. It’s fine. Everything is okay. There’s nothing to be scared of. It’s your house too. Remember that.”

“He had a whole life before me, Brian. This could be _anybody_.”

“We’ll never know unless we step out of this car.”

“I know.”

“On three?”

“Two…”

On the “one”, both Brian and Michael opened their doors. Brian stepped back to open Jenny’s door and began unbuckling her from the plastic contraption. “C’mon, Lady Jenny… it’s time to see your new palace.”

Jenny was half asleep, her energy levels peaking soon after her early evening meal, then hitting a downward slope. “... 'm soooo sleepy...” Her arms reached out blindly to wrap about Brian’s neck.

“I know, honey.” Brian didn’t have to do much prodding to have Jenny lay her head on his shoulder. “We’re gonna walk into your Daddy’s house and find your bedroom. You can get dressed for bed and go back to sleep for real.”

“ _Really?_ ”

“Really, real.” Brian picked up Jenny’s backpack, watching Michael come from behind the trunk with Jenny’s full set of luggage. He tried to stop from laughing with the vision of loveliness Michael had become, surrounded by Princess Barbie’s pink suitcases and a Prince Charming Ken overnight bag. “You--”

Michael held out a hand. “Say one word… and I’ll kick you in the teeth.” He pointed up the sidewalk. “ _Move it_ or you get left behind.” He was already prepared with the front door keys jangling in his hands.

Brian just shook his head, chuckling to himself as he followed Michael up the sidewalk.

 ****

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~ **

The moment Michael fit the key in the front door, he knew whatever faced him on the other side was supposed to either change his life drastically or keep him under an unknown cloak of idiocy.

Ben would twist the situation around to make Michael feel uncomfortable, awful and to pity his husband.

Michael knew, without a doubt, he would be manipulated once again.

The laughter was what made Michael pause first, the soft tones of voices that were barely audible, making an intruder feel like they were interrupting or missing out on something. He turned in the small foyer, unprepared for what he saw upon walking in. Maybe he was trying to read too much into things at this point, with what he was feeling.

Michael felt Brian bump him to slightly move so the front door could be closed. Upon his hesitation, he felt the hand gently at the small of his back, under his lightweight jacket. Where he usually might flinch, attempting to be aware of what was done to him around Ben, especially by Brian… he allowed the caress to happen. In fact, he savored the soothing touch, because it made him aware he wasn’t alone. The warm breath at his hairline and around his ear. To keep the focus on Jenny and what was right for her.

“Hold on, Adrian… I think…” It sounded like silverware against ceramic. A mug being placed on the coffee table, the soft brush of corduroy pants rubbing in between thick thighs. Ben paused in his conversation. He got out of the sunken armchair, walking around and greeting his husband coming through the doorway into the living room. “Yes… hey, baby…” He reached out to lay a tender hand on Michael’s face, pressing a lingering kiss on a bare cheek. He wasn’t sure he liked the wide-eyed questioning look coming off those vocal, deep brown eyes. “I thought you’d be back later on tonight.”

Michael crinkled his brow in bewilderment. He had never given Ben an idea of what he would be doing after picking Jenny up. “Why? I was only getting Jenny from the airport. What would be the sense in keeping her out so late in the evening?” He moseyed further in, pushing Ben backwards. He wanted to put down the suitcases.

“Excuse me.” Brian muttered, as he squeezed through what little space was left to walk past Michael. He brought up his free hand, the one that had been on Michael’s back, and smoothed the palm along Michael’s nape.

Ben noticed the intimate exchange between them. How Michael shut his eyes in near ecstasy, but then reopened his lids on a heavy sigh. The tender care Brian was using to handle Jenny, then Michael.

Michael unloaded Jenny’s bags one at a time. He swiftly hand-tossed the Prince Charming Ken overnight rolling suitcase toward Brian. “Last door on the left, end of the hallway.” He loved that Brian effortlessly took hold of the bag, like he’d done it a hundred times before.

Brian nodded his head in complete understanding. He kept silent until he reached the first three bottom steps of the staircase. Instinctively, he knew that Michael wasn’t done talking to him.

“I’ll be up to tuck her in, once you get her settled in bed.”

Brian mimicked a rough salute off his forehead as he disappeared up the stairs. Jenny dozed, dangling down his body.

Ben continued to smile, his heart cracking a bit more over what was transpiring. Something had _definitely_ changed between Brian and Michael. “Well… Michael, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to drop Jenny off at your mother’s for a visit… or not.”

Michael was stunned by the comment. Didn't Ben recall how long it had been since he had seen, or spent time with, Jenny? Did Ben think he was _that_ stupid? “Yeah… that sounds really great an' all, but Ma’s pullin’ a double at the Diner. She won’t be getting off her shift until seven tomorrow morning.” He wondered when he might get an explanation, or an introduction, to the stranger in their home. He didn’t think he was asking for much.

“Did you manage to grab something to eat?” Ben seemed to love the fact that he could suspend Michael’s confusion for long enough until he decided to answer the questioning eyebrow lifts he was getting.

“Yes, not at the Diner, though.” Michael stepped further into the room, nearing the edge of the couch. He began to notice the intimate nuances the fire in the fireplace and the dimmed lights gave the ordinary-looking living room. He reached out a hand to offer the stranger on the couch. “Hi… I’m Michael Novotny-Bruckner.”

The strange man never stood from his seat on the couch. “Hello, Michael. I’ve heard a lot about you.” He leaned forward, his hand taking Michael‘s in a strong shake. “Adrian Haskell. Dr. Adrian Haskell.”

Michael felt his back stiffen when Ben stepped behind him to cup his shoulders. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to welcome you properly. Jenny was flying in to stay here” He felt his body shrink within, as if he was embarrassed for not being a good host in his own home.

Had the man made prior plans to see Ben _and Michael_? Or _just Ben_? Maybe Ben had simply bumped into this man on campus, offering an impromptu visit... or had it been the other way around? There were too many questions floating around in Michael’s head, the answers not coming fast enough to appease him.

Adrian put up a hand, resting against the couch cushions. “Please, no apologies necessary.” His arm went back to settle on top of the couch. “I talked with Jamie earlier in the week. I wasn’t sure when I’d get into town.”

 _ **Jamie?**_ _That_ was making this even more interesting. There weren’t many people who gave Ben a nickname of such familiarity.

Ben moved to sit on the arm of the couch, looking sideways at Adrian, but directly at Michael. “Adrian caught me as I was about to leave my last class this afternoon.” Once he looked to Adrian, he responded. “What a shock it was to see you after… _what?_ … has it been more than three years?”

Adrian rolled his eyes, crossing one knee over a leg. “More like five. You were never good with numbers. Nor were you great with dates, birthdays or anniversaries, for that matter.” Under lowered lashes, Adrian sent a teasing wink toward Ben.

Michael took his jacket off, heading over to hang the material in the closet, hoping to collect himself before he imploded. This relationship must go a little deeper than colleagues, possibly even surpassing sincere friendship. Adrian had a good five to eight years over Ben, easily. Michael couldn’t help notice the way he spoke about Ben. There had to be a certain closeness or a strong connection between them. The way Adrian knew specific details about Ben proved that they had spent a long time together at one point, sharing a common bond. And the way Adrian seemed to enjoy talking over Michael’s head told him… there was something special and maybe untouchable between them.

Michael assumed that there may even have been some possible attainment that had never been reached. He was afraid he knew more than he was being told. And why not? This was almost too similar to another relationship Michael was familiar with. Ever since his distancing from Brian, he could spot those anywhere these days. Michael returned to face Adrian, show him that he wasn’t afraid of whatever was between he and Ben. “Is there anything I can get you? Another drink? Something to eat? Have either of you eaten?”

Adrian looked over the couch toward Michael. “That’s kind of you to offer, Michael.”

Ben glanced at Michael, laying a gentle palm on a forearm, then he turned to glance back to Adrian. “We had a late… _late_ lunch.”

Adrian snickered at the private joke, only known between them.

“Oh… okay.” Michael began to back away, heading for the stairs. “I’ll leave you boys be, then. Excuse me while I go check on Jenny.” He nearly beat a hasty retreat up the steps, but once he was almost to the top… something that was said made him stop and pause, listening in on the private conversation.

“That’s quite a ‘little wife’ you got there, Jamie.”

“You should talk.” Sounded like Ben got up from his perch to walk around the room. “I remember those days when you ate men like Michael for snacks between meals. Do you recall how many times I had to beat them off me with a stick from trying to get to you?”

“I was lucky to have had you, beside me, as long as I did. I realize that now. I hated to see you leave.” Adrian laughed with a certain sadness to his tone. “It was almost the exact way I found you this afternoon.”

“Never… bullshit… a bullshitter.” Ben teased as he snickered at Adrian’s facial reaction. “You want a refill?”

The sound of two glasses clanging echoed up the stairs.

“Make it _heavier_ this time.”

“Scotch? Or Bourbon?”

“Surprise me. I always liked your surprises.” Adrian cleared his throat, reaching out for his glass. “That's one _gorgeous_ kid you got there.”

Ben held the edge of the glass to his lips. “Jenny’s Michael’s daughter.”

Michael had to sit down on the stair, hand gripping a rung in the stair banister on the way down.

“Nice fuckin’ attitude, Jamie.”

“I know.” Ben sighed, shaking his head. “I should know better.” He retook his seat in the lounge chair. “Now… where were we before we were interrupted? _Venice?_ … did you say?”

“I see you still like changing the subject when you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not. This isn’t something I want to chat about right now. ‘Sides… some habits never die.”

“Tell me, Jamie… is there something inside of you that _has_ died?”

Michael couldn't take anymore. He quickly bolted up the rest of the steps, as quiet as he could be. He knew with the way he felt at the moment, he wouldn’t be able to step into Jenny’s room. He had some pacing to do outside, in the hallway, before he subjected her to his frazzled feelings.

  
 **~~TBC...**


	3. Chapter 3

  
**LOSE MY WAY – Part 3**   


 

The minute Brian strolled into the bedroom, plopping Jenny on her back, the mattress sunk low with Brian’s added weight.

Jenny‘s eyes flashed open, gazing up at him. “... see… I tol' you so...”

“ _Faker._ ” Brian chuckled, shaking his head as he sat down beside Jenny’s form. “I _knew_ you weren’t asleep.”

“... how?” Jenny folded her hands on her belly.

“Easy. You squeezed the spit outta me even before we walked inside the house. Once we were inside, you went totally limp in my arms. Of course that heavy breathing you were exhaling on my neck was a good clue too.”

“... Ben hates me.” Jenny gazed down at her clenched hands.

“He _doesn’t_ hate you.” Brian thought about it and realized it could be seen as a certain form of hatred, but not the kind that Jenny was used to. “That’s a really strong word and, truthfully, honey… Ben doesn’t know you very well to begin to feel _anything_ for you.”

“... do I have to like 'im?” Jenny raised her eyes to stare at Brian, as if he had all the answers to Life’s questions.

Brian wished he could say what he really wanted to, but he knew it wasn’t his right to tell Jenny anything to do with her parents and how they chose to raise her. “What do _you_ feel like doing?”

Jenny looked up at the ceiling. “... sleepin'...”

“I like a kid who’s honest.” Brian swiped Jenny’s nose as they shared some light laughter.

“... is Daddy okay?”

Brian worried his brow in thought. “Why do you ask that?”

Jenny shrugged, swooshing one foot from side-to-side. “... don’ know... sumthing Daddy tol' me t'day...”

“About things between him and Ben not being so good?”

“... yeah, sorta...” Jenny lowered her lids to look at Brian. “... am I really bad?”

Brian growled, climbing over Jenny to lay down beside her. “Scoot ‘em over, Lady Jenny.”

Jenny did, laying on her right side to accommodate Brian’s large adult body. She semi-curled against him as he lay back. She moved a bit knowing he would need to stretch his long arm out. She fit perfectly in the crook of the appendage, using the biceps as her pillow. “... you leavin'?”

Brian brought his arm in a bit more, almost sheltering Jenny. “You want me to sleep here too?”

“... nah... Hun'er's gotta neat room... bigg'r bed too.”

“Ah… I see… you don’t like sharing.” Brian then pushed out his bottom lip, pouting like a dejected child. “Or… it’s me you don’t like. I stink, don't I?”

Jenny chuckled, shaking her head and burying her face in Brian’s chest. “... no, silly.”

“I’m not ‘silly’. You’re the ‘silly’ one.” Brian pretended to hang over the sides of the twin bed, making Jenny try to contain her laughter. “Look at all this wonderful, spacious mattress room you’re wasting.”

A soft knock sounded on the door.

Jenny buried her face completely in Brian’s side.

Michael poked his head around the door. “Can I come in?” He saw how much Jenny was trying to hide within Brian’s body. “Are we doing okay?”

Brian looked down at Jenny’s bent head, how she was ashamed to respond to her own father. “Maybe… maybe not. I’m not sure just yet.”

“Jenny?” Michael walked fully into the room. He found the suitcase, placed on the small hope chest at the end of the bed.

“... yeah?” Jenny mumbled against Brian’s clothes.

“You gonna get ready for bed?” Michael moved to unzip the bag, looking through what all was inside.

“... do I hafta?” Jenny sighed as if she’d come off a twelve-hour work-day.

“No… but…” Michael moved to sit on the edge of the bed, near the footboard. “… lemme say this right. I don’t really know your routine for bedtime. I guess I’m wondering what you usually do at home.”

Jenny realized her father was only trying to be kind, not really pushing her to behave and go to bed. She blinked up at Brian, unsure of what to say exactly. She wasn’t certain she could hold back on her emotions any longer. Finally being here… where she was so sure she wasn’t wanted, but needed to be wanted, very badly.

“Uh… oh…” Brian muttered as he slinked his torso up.

“Wha-?” Michael barely got the entire question out before he watched Brian turn onto his right side, bringing Jenny closer to his chest.

“Get up here, Michael.” Brian was making room for Michael to climb onto the mattress.

“What’s goin'--?” Even before he finished asking, Michael heard the first tortured sob against Brian’s shirt. _Holy shit!_ How could he not have known? He quickly did as Brian wanted. Sliding up his left side, Michael lay, lengthwise, along with Brian’s body. Their shoes tangled, but soon they figured out how to tuck one’s legs in between the other. Almost how they used to on Michael’s old bed in his bedroom. “Quick. Tell me… what do I do?” He felt useless.

Jenny only seemed to want to cling to Brian.

Brian was trying to slowly peel Jenny off, wanting Michael to know that he wasn’t stealing his rightful place in Jenny’s life. “Laying here, watching her an' listening to her cry… what do _you_ feel like doing?”

“I wanna kick Ben in the nuts.”

Brian lightly chuckled, shaking his head. “I’d gladly play along with that plan, but what’s the 'other' thing you feel like doing?” By _other_ , Brian had raised his brow to signal down to Jenny.

Michael was caught unawares, speechless. He wasn’t sure _what_ to do, but what he truly felt like doing was hugging Jenny as tight as he could to his body. Just like Jenny was doing to Brian. He didn’t want to infringe on her comfort level. “I wanna hold her, Brian.” He nearly got all the words out. “I wanna hold her… and fix everything I’ve ever done wrong here. I need to rewind time. How did I--?”

Brian put out a palm to stop Michael. He bent down to speak into Jenny’s ear. “You remember what we talked about?” Jenny nodded against Brian’s chest, her head hitting his breastbone. “I need you to help me here. I can’t do this on my own.”

Jenny nodded in response, her sniffles quieting to a lower level. The second she flipped over, she was attached to Michael, clinging as if she’d been born connected to her father’s front.

“Oh, sweetie…” Michael’s hand went to cup the back of Jenny’s plait of hair. He sunk down on the bed, his daughter lost in his embrace. “What have I done to you… huh?” He tried to comfort her, but to no avail the harder he held on the more she let loose her pent-up emotions. “ _... ssshhh…_ ” He attempted to control his own surfacing feelings, but once he watched Brian's hand come over to help him caress the raven curls, he began to share in Jenny’s sorrow. He bent his head as his own tears began to fall, silent and free.

“Shit!” Brian shuffled closer. “The pair of you are gonna be the death of me.” He came closer to Michael, pushing Jenny to fit in between them. “Tell me what you want me to do, Michael. It’s all in your hands now. I got her safely here. It’s up to you to know what’s best.”

Michael shook his head, loving the fingers combing through his dark locks. He inched his head toward Brian’s on the pillow. “I can’t do this alone.” He raised his face, his deep brown eyes zeroing in on Brian. “I know this isn’t right, but… I can’t do this with Ben here, either.”

Brian’s face was blank. He’d known for years that Ben wasn’t as perfect as he proclaimed early on. Why wasn’t he feeling better at the triumph? Ben possibly being sent away, out of Michael’s life for good? “What are you suggesting?”

Michael took one of his hands tucked about Jenny, lifting it to reach out for Brian’s face. “ _Stay with me_ … here. Help me, help my daughter. I don’t know where I lost her, but _I need you_.” He slipped closer to Brian’s face. Their lips not far apart. Their breathes meshing in the space between. “You’re the only one who can help me. You’re the only one I want.” He was about to say something when he realized that statement alone was as true as anything he’d ever said in his life. His hand ventured down, thumb soothing the full bottom lip. He tried to speak again. “You’re the only one Jenny responds to these days. I need you to teach me how to be what you are to her. More than just a parent… a better father even or passable. Possibly her friend.” He sniffled and let his face fall into Brian’s touch as he swiped at the falling moisture.

“Michael… I…”

Michael’s palm came out to lay over Brian’s mouth. “More than anything, I want you back in my life. As my friend. Much more if you’ll allow me near you again.” He shook his head, his brow furrowed in perplexity. “I don’t know where we lost each other, but I want 'us' back. If I ask you nicely… without beggin’ like a pussy-whipped fag… can you do that for me?”

“Live here? With you and Jenny… and--?” Brian still wasn’t clear on what Michael was asking. He wanted to be sure of what he was hearing.

Ben was out? Brian was in?

“I don’t know how, Brian. I don’t how to be cruel. I only know if he stays here with Jenny, as I’m trying to work out whatever’s missing from our relationship…” Michael shook his head in bewilderment. “… she’ll never open up to me. Jenny’ll never feel safe around me if Ben is here. Or in my life.” He closed his eyes in utter loss. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

“I’d offer to take care of that area in your life for you, but I made a vow to myself when you--” Brian was almost about to reveal something held sacred to his heart for quite awhile now.

“ _When I--?_ ” Michael let one side of his mouth quirk in wonder. “Don’t leave me in suspense.”

Brian lifted his eyes, his gaze steady on Michael’s features. “I made a vow to myself that I’d never try to stop you from having what you wanted. Of knowing that, even if it took you away from me -- having another life with another person… I had to let you find happiness where you could. Looking back, was I wrong? Did I fuck up this time, as well?”

“When did you say this?” Michael was getting confused. He didn’t recall this pledge at all.

“When I was standing over what I thought was going to be your death bed.” Brian licked his dry lips, prepared to reveal all, if Michael asked him.

“You came into my hospital room? After the bombing? While I was--” Michael’s eyes darted over Brian’s face, wanting to be sure he was hearing these words correctly.

“Laying in a coma.” Brian lowered his lashes, picking at the pastel bed linen. He found himself easily accessible to that very moment of time. The pain and loss as one, suffocating him from every breath he tried to take over Michael’s still, lifeless body. He reached out a hand to tenderly lay his skin against Michael’s bare forearm. “You were still warm… everywhere I touched you. You breathed air, but I couldn’t see any life pouring from you that I’d seen countless of times before.” He hung his head in near shame. “I tried to save you. Every minute they kept you away, tied to tubes and machines, was a second or two more your spirit kept fading in and out. They told us you needed blood, but I couldn’t even help you there… mine wasn’t _good enough_ …”

“I had heard that.” Michael caressed Brian’s cheek, brushing back into his silky hair. “Ben told me, but I never knew you were _in_ my room. They never said--” He leaned over Brian's head, kissing the fevered brow.

“I couldn’t do a god-damn-fucking thing for you… and you kept slipping right through my fingers.” Brian’s hand, on Michael’s arm, grew tight and clenched with fear.

Michael reached out to take Brian’s hand in his own, making sure those same fingers held onto his own as hard as possible. This time they knew not to be afraid, that they were being helpful. “I made it. I’m here now. I’m alive. I’m willing to make some changes, if you’re willing to stand beside me. Fight for what’s right.”

“ _What_ _ **is**_ _right?_ ”

Michael pulled back a bit, looking down at Brian. He noticed that the tears were held back, never to fall until Brian felt as safe as he had once before. It hurt to know there was a loss of their bond still echoing, even when he felt they had made some ground back toward their old relationship. “Us… with Jenny. Gus, too. I don’t want a marriage in my life if it’s only here to keep me in chains, shackled without a life to call my own, while locking my daughter out.”

“Then you know what _has_ to be done.”

Michael sighed heavily, laying his head back down on the pillow. He was face-to-face with Brian. “Yes… I do.” He leaned forward, lips barely touching Brian’s mouth. “Will you do something for me?”

This close… _warm breathes on his face_ … _brown eyes staring dreamily at him_ … Brian was trapped. “Anything… within reason.” He cleared his throat on the last comment.

Michael smirked. “Kiss me senseless… make me forget.” He twisted his head to advance Brian’s attack, but when none came… eyes bore into eyes. “ _What?_ ”

“I _will_ kiss you… but from this moment on, there’s no forgetting how we got here. In order to move on, we have to remember… even if it’s not something we’d like to have a memory of. Helps us not to repeat it, for future generations.”

“Future generations of _what?_ ”

Brian never answered that question as he began to obey the first of many requests given by Michael, in their newly, re-formed relationship.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Michael was the first one down the steps. He had Jenny with him, bathed and dressed in her matching pajamas. He carried her down the stairs, but once they reached the bottom twosteps, he set her down. She struggled to walk them herself. Michael wasn’t far behind to keep her balanced and upright.

“What do you feel like?” Michael steered her toward the kitchen, the back way to avoid seeing Ben and his visitor.

They were going to forget what was going on in the living room at all costs.

“... what stuff do you have?” Jenny knew it was a silly question, but she really didn’t know what things her father kept in his kitchen.

Michael snickered as he helped Jenny sit high on the counter. Once he placed her safely on the hard surface, he paced to the refrigerator. “You’ll be glad to know that your father had enough common sense to go grocery shopping before you came.”

“... peanut butt'r.” Jenny blurted out, not knowing why that came to her mind before anything healthy. Her mother, mostly by Lindsay’s recommendations, had fed her plenty of healthy snacks when she got the “munchies”. She wondered what lengths her father would go to appease her endless hunger.

“Okay… then what do we do with it?” Michael was turning on his foot to make his way toward the large pantry, a small alcove situated in one corner of the kitchen. “Oooooo, wait… most important. Crunchy or smooth?” He talked while he searched, moving jars and boxes of perishable foods. “I bought both since I didn’t know which you liked.” He brought down both jars, displaying the labels for Jenny to see.

“... smooth.” Jenny crinkled her brow. “... I think... I don' know, Daddy... I don' make my food... Mommy or Linds make it for me.”

Michael stood stunned. “Really?” He walked over to Jenny, opening both jars as he shook his head in bewilderment. “Wow… I’d have thought your Mom and Linds would be free-thinkers. Pretty much letting you and Gus do whatever you wanted. You mean they don’t even bother asking you if you want it or not? They just put the plate in front of you and you have to eat it?”

Jenny slowly nodded her head, watching her father begin to pick out two, very large, spoons.

“Now me…” Michael turned the handle toward Jenny, offering out her own spoon. “I’m a smooth-y eater.” He enjoyed hearing Jenny laugh, the way her eyes sparkled and her mouth tried not to smile. “This… was my favorite way to eat P.B. when I was around your age.” He dug a deep scoop out, flipping the spoon over to use his tongue to flick out the taste of pure heaven. He closed his eyes in sheer ecstasy. “Now, your turn.” He attempted to talk, without laughing, as his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Jenny’s eyes bugged out in shock. “... Daddy… I don’ know… i’s not…” She wanted very badly to follow exactly what her father had done.

“Very sanitary or formal dining. I realize that, but… look at me… I don’t have a classy bone in my teeny body. ‘Sides, where’s the fun in following rules? You wanna break a few with me?” Michael tipped the jar closer to Jenny’s spoon. “I promise I won’t tell anyone. Between you and I -- always.” His eyes grew serious. “I won’t let you get sick or hurt. Never. But one thing I will do is make sure you’re having as much fun as I am.” He put her spoon in the jar of peanut butter. “Would you like me to help you?”

“... nope.” Jenny lent her head forward, peeking into the jar. She saw a nice big clump of the smooth substance. “... I can do this.” So, she did and came out with a hefty sized portion. It was almost bigger than her entire head.

“Whoa! Jenny… I’m so proud.” Michael faked a sincere cry of appreciation. He placed a hand over his heart. “You make me happy to call myself your father.”

Jenny licked at the scoop, giggling… and nearly lost a good portion of the peanut butter as it slid off the spoon. “... _ooopsie!_ …”

Michael was there to catch the falling debris back in the jar. “Whew!… that was a close one.” He got an idea in his head. “We need some pans… a spatula… some bread… some butter -- _no stinkin’ margarine for us_ … and some--I think I might have a jar in the pantry.” He left the jar of peanut butter setting beside Jenny. He took the crunchy one back into the pantry. He returned with a short glass jar of something called, “FLUFF” or what some called, “Marshmallow Fluff”. Coming back to Jenny’s side, as she had snuck a second scoop of peanut butter, he smirked as he showed her what was on the back of the jar. “I’ll make you a treat we low-income, single mother-raised children used to call… ‘fluffernutters’.

“... fluff-ur-nut-ur.” Jenny read for herself on the back of the jar. “... is it good fur me?”

Michael turned from the gas stove. “Sure. All food is healthy in some capacity or another. Some foods…” He searched around for the flat frying pan he used for pancakes. “… are healthy for our bodies. Help them to grow and feed our bones and vital organs with vitamins, all those important ingredients that keep them keep us alive. Others…” He came back to Jenny, reaching out for the jar of peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. “… are good for our souls. We call those foods… ’comfort foods’. They aren’t, technically, good for us. If we eat too much of them, they can make us sick to our stomachs. But we sort of need them to… _nourish and feed our souls_ … make us smile. You wanna know why?”

Jenny’s eyes wouldn’t stop looking like saucers. She was actually learning something cool and unique from her father. She’d been wanting this moment for so long. “... yes... please.” She savored the sticky taste of the leftover peanut butter in her mouth.

Michael strolled over to the fridge, talking as he began to bring together all the ingredients. “Well, sometimes when you make these ’comfort foods’, you’ve probably done it for some special occasion. A great treat with your friends around you. Or that one true best friend that you’d lay your life down for.” He was sending his own mind back to a time when he had used something like this to bond with Brian. “Many times it brings back memories… _good memories_ … of your childhood. It transports you back into a time when you were most happy. When you were free to be anything… anyone… with those you loved and who you knew loved only you.”

Jenny gulped the lump in her throat. She knew her father was using himself as an example. It was the way his face looked, the way his eyes took on a certain shine. “... did you make 'fluff-nut-turs’ wit' Brian?” She didn’t know why, but knowing that fact was even better than eating the scrumptious food.

Michael nodded his head, peering at Jenny under his long, dark lashes. “Yes. He taught me. Or… we kinda taught each other. My mother -- _your grandmother_ \-- used to let us come and help at the Diner where she works at. I actually think she forced us into early child labor, but sometimes it was the only way she could babysit us without having the cops called out to the house. She didn’t leave Brian and I on our own until we were--”

“... _fifteen-and-a-half_.” Brian proclaimed from the backside of the second kitchen entryway. He, too, seemed to not want to acknowledge that something was definitely going on in the other room. Or maybe he was leaving Michael to address the problem on his own time.

Jenny felt the instant jolt she usually did whenever she saw Brian walk into a room where her father was. She had to admit she was on some type of self-induced alert, making sure things wouldn’t falter or mess up between them. “... Daddy’s makin’ a, uh, fluff-nut-tur!” She proclaimed proudly, hoping she got the pronunciation right.

“Is he now?” Brian crossed his arms over his chest, venturing into the kitchen, closer to the stove. “Why didn’t you wake me up? You wanted me to miss out on all the fun, huh?” He teased, winking over at Jenny as he leaned a hip on the counter near the stove.

Michael made sure the burner was hot, putting a hand between the bottom of the pan and the slats of the burner. “No.” He stretched out the response as he bit the inside of his lip. “You looked so peaceful. Like you needed the rest.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I didn’t want to disturb you. Jenny’s bath and getting her dressed took up most of the time I let you sleep.”

Brian put a hand on Michael’s shoulder, bending his head toward the available ear. “I'm not upset with you, so you can stop fighting with me. I only wanted to _play_. No need to get jumpy.” He soothed the hand down the shape of Michael’s spine, stopping right at where the jeans, beltless, hung low on Michael’s thin hips. He was tempted to snap the jeans, plus underwear, on Michael’s backside. He relented the urge with Jenny’s eyes staring right at him and Michael. “And what do you think you’re doing there, Lady Jenny?”

“... watchin' Daddy.” Jenny told no lies.

Brian turned to pace backward, catching a view of what Jenny was looking at. While she was watching the food being made, Brian got stuck on the cute bottom shifting from side-to-side. “Lucky duckling.” He muttered as he reached out for the cabinets over Jenny’s head. “Alright then. Your father’s got Chef Duty covered… how ’bout you help me get the table prepared?” He brought down three plates, moving above to another set of cabinets for three glasses.

Jenny giggled as Brian easily plopped her down on the floor, handing the plates to her. She had to embrace them to her chest with two hands so they wouldn’t slip from her grasp.

“Set these on the table.”

Jenny raised her sooty lashes up to Brian. “... where do I put 'em?”

“On the table.” Brian stated even more clearly, enunciating. He had the glasses in his hands.

Jenny wasn’t sure Brian knew what she was asking. “... I don' know where they go, on the tay-bil...”

Brian glanced over at Michael, disbelief in his face. “Follow me, Lady Jenny.” He used his free hand to turn her like a wind-up doll. As Jenny left the kitchen before him, he looked at Michael. “ _Is she for real?_ ”

Michael raised his eyebrows. “Seems Mel and Linds run a very strict household.” He spoke in a lowered voice, so Jenny wouldn't be embarrassed.

“Hmm… I’d have thought they’d be free-thinkers or something. Strange.” Brian took off, but not after he moved to yank out a carton of milk from the fridge.

Michael was shocked he and Brian shared the same way of thinking. That the girls hadn't been more open to the raising of their children, allowing them to _be_ children, but also letting them be independent. He wasn't sure he liked knowing he had left his daughter's care in her mother's confidence, thinking the best would be done for her own benefit. Had Melanie and Lindsay regretted their move, holding the kids responsible for the choices _they_ made _for them_? That didn’t seem right on any level. Michael didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but he knew he had to have another heart-to-heart with Melanie soon.

The drastic differences in Jenny, even now, told him that he should consider the serious talk to happen when he returned Jenny back to Toronto. But the way Jenny was speaking so matter-of-factly about her home life -- _like it was simply what she did and she couldn’t make complaints about it_ \-- that frightened Michael into some type of action.

Whether it got Michael full custody of Jenny or gave him partial visitation where Jenny lived with him for part of the year… he knew he wouldn’t leave her side for anything. Even if it meant sacrificing his own marriage.

Some things were meant to be and others were destroyed by the things that were meant to be.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Adrian seemed to grow curious first, wondering why Ben became quiet at times, popping in and out of the conversation. He picked up their dishes, prepared to carry them toward the kitchen.

They’d been hearing the noises in the kitchen, not used to the laughter coming from the dining room. That’s when Adrian knew he had lost Ben's full attention, never sure if he was getting him totally back or slowly losing him.

“What are you--? I’ll do that.” Ben swiped the small plates and coffee mugs from Adrian’s hand.

“I’ve been asking if you wanted more pie and coffee, but you haven’t responded. I assumed you weren’t interested, so I was about to--” Adrian made his fingers move like he was headed toward the kitchen area.

“I’ll get you more pie and coffee, if you want.” Ben quickly got up to head in the direction of the kitchen, knowing he had to pass through the dining room. He knew he wouldn’t be okay with what he saw at the table. He knew it would seem innocent, but what truly hurt was that the view would look more like a “family” than he had ever been with Michael.

Ben had once felt that with Hunter, allowing Michael to be _mother and father_ while he held the household intact. Now that Hunter was off on his own, there was no true sense of that word here, especially when Ben couldn’t seem to come to grips with Jenny in his life with Michael.

“I don’t really. I was about to ask you--” Adrian followed Ben into the kitchen area. He did so, unaware of what was really going on in the dining room. What shocked him first was how “happy” everyone was, the laughter and the closeness. He hadn’t expected Michael and Brian, whom Ben had called Michael’s “best friend”, were seated so close together. The way they fell into each others' space, unafraid of the intimate touches being misconstrued as anything but part of who they were.

Brian was an impressive specimen of man. Ben had been right about that when he described him to Adrian, but what he had forgotten to mention was how smitten Brian was with Michael and Jenny. Seemed fitting, though, to watch the three of them together. He almost regretted breaking up the conversation.

“I’m sorry. We never got introduced.” Adrian walked to the seat empty beside Brian’s chair. “Adrian Haskell.”

“Dr. Adrian Haskell?!” Brian changed the inflection of his voice to sound like he was impressed, but he wasn’t.

“Do I know you?” Adrian squinted his eyes to see Brian better, close up.

Brian and Michael shared a look, trying not to laugh outright. “Yeah. Earlier in the living room. I was holding a small child… Jenny, here…” Jenny waved toward Adrian. “… on my way upstairs to her bedroom.”

Adrian wasn’t sure he liked the secret joke played out before him, between the two friends. “Ahhh, I see. Yeah… I did introduce myself to Michael. Sorry.”

“No.” Brian brushed the man’s instant embarrassment away. “It’s okay. I’m kidding.” He took a deep gulp of his milk. “So… Adrian, how do you know our fair-headed Benjamin?”

Ben walked back out of the kitchen. Two pie plates full and two coffee mugs refreshed. He passed one set to Adrian. He took the chair beside Jenny, suddenly realizing this was the closest he had ever been to her since her birth and Michael held her in his arms. He knew she was still young, but looking at her now… he could tell she had already made up her mind who was on her side and who wasn't. “I was Adrian’s _student_.”

Adrian took a sip of his coffee, liking that Ben remembered how he liked to take his cup of brew. The boy was a godsend, mind like a steel trap and a body that wouldn't quit. “I mentored Jamie. Once he graduated, I offered him an internship as my assistant.” He stared across to those sharp blue eyes, crinkling at the corners in remembrance. “We did that gig for quite awhile, didn’t we?”

Brian snuck a glance at Michael, catching the way those brown eyes dipped low, trying not to notice that his husband was flirting right at the table. God damn, The Professors had huge balls. “And the reason you’re back? New gig, huh? Benny’s needing a new assistant _this time_?”

“Actually, it's two things.” Adrian softly snickered, shaking his head. He kept speaking as if everyone were interested in what he had to say. “I’m in town for some family business. I thought I’d drop into my old haunts, see how everyone was fairing. But--” He blinked up to check out Ben’s bowed head, gazing into his coffee, slowly picking at his slice of pie.

“But… _what_?”

“I think I might be here on some greater purpose.” Adrian slowly stirred his coffee, setting his spoon down on the pie plate.

Michael lifted his head, smoothing his napkin over his lap. His eyes darted from Adrian to Ben, wondering what they had cooked up between them. “And what _exactly_ would that entail?”

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Adrian had been gazing at Ben for too long, before he realized he was asked a question, in such a soft tone, but harshly.

Ben cleared his throat, setting his fork down. “Adrian is a doctor. A doctor of psychology.”

Brian sat back, a heavy sigh escaping his slightly open lips. _Oh, man…_ “I see.”

“No… you don’t, Brian.” Ben snapped, about ready to ask that Brian leave the table and the house.

“Leave him out of this, please.” Michael tightened his fist on the table top. “The problem… or should I say, _problems_ … are between you and I, Ben.”

“Are they? Just us, then?” Ben sarcastically bit back as he glanced down at Jenny.

Jenny felt the unneeded tension. She climbed down off her chair, moving away from Ben, circling her father’s chair and stopping at Brian’s side. “... 'm full.” She sidled up to Brian, her hand on his leg. “... 'm tir'd... I wanna go back to bed...”

“Sure, babe.” Brian took her shaking hand in his, bending down to kiss her forehead in assurance she was doing the right thing. “Let’s grab our plates… the dirty glasses and put them in the sink.” He was handing her one thing to hold in her hand so she felt like she was helping some. He made certain to shoot as many daggers at Ben as he could, making his way with Jenny into the kitchen.

Ben couldn’t bear to look up for one second, knowing he would catch the glares of all the men in the room.

Brian wasn’t afraid to bend down, on his way past Michael. Michael tucked his head into Brian’s face, not wanting anyone else to hear the secret words for him alone.

“You’ve always been _my_ hero… and you‘ve never let me down… _ever_.” Brian pressed what could have been considered a kiss on Michael’s ear, if he hadn’t been watched closely by two other men in the room. It was simply a brush of his open mouth against Michael's ear. With his hands full, he still managed to smooth some part of his body down Michael’s back as he left the room.

“Excuse me, Adrian.” Michael wiped his mouth, setting his napkin beside his own empty plate. “I don’t mean to be rude, but… Ben, I’d like to see you outside.” He didn’t bother staying to see if Ben followed him out the back door, onto the porch. He took off in a fit of rage.

Adrian had only a minute to look up and say, “No problem. I--” He noticed Ben looking over at him. “Well… are you going to go or not?”

Ben sighed, pushing back his chair and placing his own napkin on the table. “Pardon me.”

“Please, Jamie, it’s no--” Adrian was watching Brian and Jenny come out the other entryway of the kitchen, able to avoid bumping into Ben on his way out. “Don’t go, yet, Brian--Jenny, I’d like to--”

Brian stood behind Jenny, holding her tiny shoulders. “Both she and I have had a long day, Dr. Haskell.”

“Please… call me ‘Adrian’. All my--”

“ _Clients? Patients?_ … call you that…” Brian rolled his eyes, griping Jenny closer to his body. “If you don’t mind, neither of us are up for your five-minute pop psychology bits.” He lifted Jenny into his arms, unaware that she was actually looking directly at Adrian. “I think we have everything under control.”

“Do you, Brian? Both you and Michael? You two think you can handle Jenny and--?”

Brian put out a hand for the doctor to shut up right at that moment. “If you value what’s left of your career… I think you better quit while you’re ahead.”

“Ben’s told me--” Adrian tried to add an explanation before he got knocked down by Brian’s persistence at protecting the little girl in his arms.

“I don’t care what The Professor’s told you. That pretty much tells me you’ve gotten wind of some fairly tainted information. How ‘bout this piece of advice… instead of relying on the confidence of others informing you of what’s wrong with potential clients, how about you actually _ask_ them what’s wrong?” Brian was about ready to swing Jenny around and take her upstairs, when he felt her squeeze his biceps. “Yeah, what is it, honey?”

Jenny ducked her head to whisper into Brian’s ear.

Brian sighed, turning so Jenny could fully see Adrian. He was flabbergasted when she encircled her arms entirely about his neck, almost way too confident about who and what she was in this house. “Jenny wants to ask you a question.”

Adrian cleared his throat, knowing that this was a heated situation he had strolled in on. He had no idea to what extent, since Ben was mostly tight-lipped about his private life these days. “Yes, dear?”

“... wha's wrong wit' Ben?... he does not know me, but does not like me… why?” Jenny stated with no trouble, her voice straight and clear.

If Brian wasn’t holding Jenny, he’d have high-fived her. Instead, he hugged her tighter for leaving the Professor of Psychology quite speechless. “Excuse me, Adrian… we’re both kinda ready for bed.”

“... g’nite, mis-tur has-kill.” Jenny didn’t even think he was much of a “doctor” to be given that title. She lay her head on Brian’s shoulder, content exactly where she was.

Adrian had to admit… he had problems finding an answer to that question himself. He truly didn’t know why he was here. He did want to reconnect with Ben, but to learn what had been going on… with his marriage and the young child of Michael’s. He knew Ben wasn’t in as great a shape as he had once been. His only advice, truthfully, to save everyone from future heartache… was to let go and move on.

Even if it meant suggesting ending a once potentially great marriage.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Michael had his back facing the door, but he knew when Ben had reached him on the porch. “I want you out.”

“Out of _what_?” Ben choked on a laugh.

“ _This house._ ” Michael turned around, leaning back on the porch railing. He crossed his biceps over his chest.

“For how long?” Ben tucked his hands in the front pockets of his corduroys.

“For however long it takes.”

Ben stood off in the distance, looking out over their backyard. “Do you want to end this marriage?”

“No… not really. But you’re not making this easy on me.”

“Oh… so it’s my fault, then?” Ben let out a stifled laugh, shaking his head.

“No. I didn’t say that.”

“Sure sounds like you’re saying those exact words.”

“If that’s what you want to hear… to make leaving me easier for you… fine by me.”

“If I leave, it’s not _because of me_.” Ben put out a palm to make his point clear.

“And if you leave, it’s not because of me, either.” Michael turned his head in a curious manner. “So who’s left to blame, then? Oh… I know. There’s Brian… and wait, lemme get this one right too. There’s Jenny… _my own burdensome daughter_. Let’s blame her before we blame Brian. She’s young enough to not know what’s going on. She won’t shoulder half as much guilt as Brian would, if he knew what kinda power he wielded over our marriage.”

“Okay… now you’re being silly.” Ben turned away, unable to deal with Michael when he got this way. “I don‘t blame Jenny for _any_ of this, but she‘s part of it… as are we all.”

“Don’t you mean that **I** am the one being stupid?” Michael bit out, trying to gain some higher ground without swearing or calling Ben names. “You couldn’t wait to pin this one on me, could you?”

“I’m not trying to ‘pin’ anything on you. I’m attempting to save what’s left between us.”

“What _is_ left, Ben?” Michael held up his hands, looking at the wide space between them on the porch. “When were you going to tell me about Adrian?”

Ben furrowed his brow. “I had no idea he would be here… _today_.”

“That I could care less about. Whomever you think you can screw around with when you're not with me… fine, but I put my foot down when you’re fuckin’ with my child.”

“I’m not doing anything with Jenny, Michael.”

“Exactly. Then again… you’d still end up lying through your teeth.”

“How so?”

“Oh… well, that’s fairly easy to figure out. How ‘bout this scenario? Adrian calls, comes into town, bumps into you… you think of how convenient this is for you. You’ve been unsatisfied with our therapy sessions for quite some time, apparently. So you invite your old friend to your home, you create this cozy atmosphere and you get in your good old buddy’s graces. Someone whom you’ve been close to intimate with, maybe. Though you keep talking about him and what he’s been doing since you two last saw each other, you’ve managed to slip in a few anecdotal personal bits… about your ‘little wife’… your young step-daughter. You touch a smidge on your failing marriage, a few of our problems you can’t fix on your own. Maybe you even shared with him this hard road you’ve plowed for yourself with Jenny.” Michael shrugged, drawing up one arm to hook on the porch’s railing. “Anything you might have said isn’t important, you’ve piqued his interest. You’ve played on his deep affection for you. Maybe in the hopes that he cares enough to offer his services -- to me and to you… to us. Help us, help our marriage. But see, once you and I _do_ talk… we release all these problems that have been left to fester between us. Out pops Jenny, then she’s officially been brought into our fold and she _must be dealt with accordingly_.” He sighed after everything he said. “Or maybe… you were simply gonna bypass the bullshit and go directly to locking Jenny up or having her put on some medication to ‘curb’ her depression.”

“You’re making this out worse than it seems. I value Adrian’s opinion.” Ben tried to reach out to touch Michael, but he was pushed away. “I don’t want him in our life to help put us back together.”

“Another man’s opinion… _on how_ _ **sane**_ _my child is?_ ” Michael was perplexed by Ben’s thoughtlessness and selfishness.

“I don’t think she’s crazy, Michael.”

“But you think she’s too emotionally, and mentally, unstable to be comforted by the love, care and reassurance from her own father.” Michael stated honestly as he stared at Ben.

“Did I _say_ that?”

“You never held me in much high regard, Ben. These days, I wouldn’t be surprised in what you think I can and cannot handle on my own.”

“Michael…” Ben ran his fingers through his hair. “I feel like we’re having two different conversations.”

“Feels like one to me. You must not have heard me before. I want you out of this house… _today, tonight_ … _right now_.”

“Michael…”

Michael pushed himself off the porch railing. “Fine, I’ll have Jenny and I out by morning.”

“ _Hey! Whoa!_ I’m not kicking you two out of this house.”

“That’s very nice of you, but you’ll still be here. I wanna be as far from you now as I _can_ be.”

“Michael, you’re acting so cold… so--like Brian.” Ben knew that wasn’t going to win him any points with Michael. “Is there nothing I can do or say to make you--?”

“Anything I hear from you will fall on deaf ears. I’m _done_ here. You stick around any longer than the next twenty minutes, I’ll forget my daughter's inside and I'll find some way to cause you bodily harm.”

“That’s ridicu--” Ben tried to speak, but Michael had already turned his back on him.

“ _Mess with me_ , fine. Have at it. _Mess with Jenny_ … I’m afraid there's gonna be consequences and _no_ second chances.”

“So… _our marriage_ _ **is**_ _over_.” Ben stated the fact as loudly as he could. He couldn’t fathom it even when his ears heard the words.

“Close all the doors on me, I’ll find myself a window to jump out of. You leave me with no choices, Ben.”

“I wish you cared more about us than her.” Ben began to walk toward the backdoor. “Maybe if you loved me more, this marriage could have been salvaged.”

“I can’t wait for the day you get over yourself. I wish you weren’t so god-damn selfish that you forced me to make a drastic decision.”

“I hope you get what you truly want… and that it makes you happy.”

Michael tipped his head down, looking at the freshly mowed lawn at night. “For once, I think we can agree on something.”

Ben attempted to move toward Michael, wanting a kiss or a hug goodbye, but he knew that idea was no more. “G’bye, Michael.”

Michael simply bowed his head into his arms and waited until complete silence filled the air. “You have no idea what you’re missing out on, Ben. For a smart man… you _aren’t_ … _very_ …” He didn’t know how long he stood there, but his next movement wasn’t until he heard the gunning of a engine as it drove away.

Adrian must be taking Ben somewhere tonight, hopefully it was somewhere far enough away so Michael could focus better on what was important and his only priority at the moment.

Jenny… and making her as happy as she should be for an almost-five year-old.

  
 **~~TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

**LOSE MY WAY – Part 4**

 

Michael took his time deciding to finally head upstairs for bed. He washed what was left of the dishes, dried his hands on a dishtowel and began his slow trek about the house. Turning off lights, locking all doors and one or two windows. He punched the code key into the security system, but something prevented him from pressing the “lock” key down.

Brian had no real clothes with him. All his bags were still in the car.

Michael looked around the front foyer, next to the coat rack and umbrella stand… an unfamiliar set of keys hung off one empty hook. He let out a pained, small smile to see how perfectly they fit, dangling along with his own set of house keys.

Michael took them down, strolling out the front door and off the porch. He wanted to move Brian’s car onto the driveway, where it belonged. In the process of climbing in, he was overwhelmed by the lingering scent of Brian’s presence. His emotions nearly overcame him once again.

Michael’s head hit the steering wheel. Why couldn’t he be stronger? Why couldn’t he stop being three steps from bawling his eyes out like a baby?

Michael lifted his head, starting the engine and began his short drive to park the car beside the house.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Brian wondered why the house had grown quiet suddenly. He gone to tuck Jenny in for the night and he hadn’t seen Michael in over half-an-hour. It sounded like it used to right before Jack would beat the shit out of him or slapped Joan around in front of him -- the absence of noise, the clang of deafening silence. He wasn’t taking any chances, so he raced downstairs. He was two steps behind Michael as he exited quickly on the silent slam of the front door.

Brian paused at the closed door, looking out the blocked upper windows. He was trying to find out what Michael was getting into. He would have raced outside to prevent Michael from leaving, but his bare feet kept him inside.

From the looks of things, Ben and Adrian were gone. Adrian’s classy SUV had vanished from the driveway where Michael was pulling onto.

Brian heaved a sigh of relief. “What’s going on in that manic mind of yours, Mikey?” He muttered behind the glass, protectively watching Michael sit still in the driver’s seat of the car. Michael wasn’t moving an inch, letting the engine idle. Brian wandered over to the window, overlooking the front yard. Suddenly… he knew exactly what Michael was planning to do.

The muted scream started first, then the erratic punches to the leather steering wheel. Michael was venting in his own private Hell. Something Brian knew a lot about.

“ _Do it…_ ” Brian encouraged further. “Let it all out so you don’t bring any of _**it**_ in here. Set it free… let it go… then come in to me… please…” He never knew the tears fell until he saw the proof on his own hands, laying on the window sill. “Come to me… an' I’ll take care of you… I promise…” He shut his eyes, wondering if he could truly do something of this magnitude… to himself, for Michael.

Funny thing was anything that hurt Michael, practically bludgeoned Brian. So, in essence, helping Michael, repaired Brian… little by little.

“I’m here.” Brian placed his palm on the window, watching his heated skin fog up the paned glass. “I am.” He put that same hand to his chest, as if feeling his body for the first time. His heart aching for Michael. “I’m not running away. Never. I’m here… _for always_ …” He hid behind the sheer drapes, afraid Michael might have seen him peeking.

Michael popped the trunk lid, eventually coming out of the car to retrieve the bags.

Brian was shocked and relieved at the same time. “Look at you. You think you’re so weak, but you’re stronger than any superhero I’ve ever known.” He slipped secretly along the living room floor, ghosting the window as he viewed Michael collecting himself and walking back into the quiet, serene house. “Come back inside… to me… come back into my life. I’ll promise you a ‘forever’ you won’t want to miss. Just… never forget… to…”

Michael was strolling through the front foyer, shutting the door and setting the locks for the rest of the night. He placed Brian’s bags in the entryway, turning back to hang the keys on the hook. He wiped his eyes, hiding the moisture he caught on the backside of his trousers. He tried setting the security locks as a final step.

 _“… love me…”_ Brian let out on a long drawn-in breath.

“ _Huh?_ ” In the darkness, Michael could barely make out the shape in street light hues. “ _Man!_ You almost scared me.” He rubbed a nervous hand over his upper chest, feeling sharp pains course down his body. Why were his palms so sweaty? “I brought in your bags,” He bent down to slide them further into the room. “I’ll help you bring them upstairs, if you--” He was about to hand Brian one strap, when he came face-to-face with a bare chest. He let out a ravaged sigh as he stood.

“Stop.” Brian stood his ground, preventing Michael from moving any further into the room. “It’s _**me**_.”

Michael closed his eyes, loving the heightened sensations being in a room where Brian was gave him. He was stuck on the gentle vibe of his voice. “... I know it’s _**you** _ … it’s always been _**you** _ …” He mumbled, rubbing a hand at the nape of his neck.

“ _Huh?_ ” Brian had heard the whispered words. His heart jolting at the sound. It gave him courage to venture closer to Michael. “I won’t ask anything of you…” His arms opened wide, the button-down shirt hung free to expose the pale naked flesh. “… but the only thing I have to say is -- _I’m here_ …”

Michael put out his palm, almost unable to stand this any longer. “No, Brian.” He wanted to stop Brian’s approach on him, not prepared for that tender touch he knew was his to have. “Don’t… _please_ … You don’t want me like this. Pathetically weak, emotionally weepy and terribly needy at the moment.”

Brian smirked, his arms never moving back to his body, remaining as they were open and waiting. “It’s my favorite kind of you.”

“Liar.” Michael hung his head in embarrassment. He had proven to Brian he was a failure, yet again. Foolish enough to believe this ‘marriage-thing’ could actually work.

“Open your eyes, Michael.”

“Do I hafta?” Michael’s hand became unable to stand sturdy in the air, so it came to rest on the naked skin, peeking between the shirt lapels.

Brian thought Michael sounded like Jenny there. He smiled, his arms slowly reaching out to encircle the body that shrunk into itself. He knew that Michael didn’t want the action to be done to him, but it was too tempting. “Might make things a little easier.”

Michael felt Brian’s warm breath on his face, down his neck. He felt the heat filling the tiniest places… like the backs of his ears. “If I run into your arms, I’m only--”

“… _being human_ … seeking comfort, which I am offering you. Nothing more.” Brian didn’t know how much longer he could stretch his arms out without them aching or wanting to desperately hold Michael close. “So… what are you waiting for?”

“How the fuck would **I** know?” Michael tentatively reached out to place Brian’s left hand on his right hip, feeling the fingers soothe of their own doing. With Brian’s right, he clutched the fingers in his own, opening the palm to bring it to his flushed cheek. “For a man who is famously cold-hearted, you have the warmest, most electrifying skin. Soft, even…”

“It’s taken me years to get this way.”

Michael finally raised his eyes, brown darkening to a richness unknown. “Aren’t you glad that we waited?”

“Hell no…” Brian let out his breath on a strangle, his face nearing Michael’s.

“Me, either.” Michael yanked Brian closer, his hands diving under the open shirt. He caressed the naked flanks, circling toward Brian’s back. “You’re not wearing a belt…” His fingers delved deeper still. “Or any underwear…” He smiled against Brian’s surrendering mouth. “I hope you were fully dressed when you put Jenny to bed.”

“Yes.” Brian pulled away, trying to “act” the responsible parent-type. “She was exhausted, as am I. She fell right to sleep, finally, and she’s expecting you to come in once you’re off to bed to say g’night.” He was about to leave things at that, but felt he should explain his mysterious state of undress. “I was angry. Not at you… or Ben… but at the situation we found ourselves in. The one we always seem to be in. I was all ready to shower when I realized how much time had passed with no sign of you upstairs. So I threw my clothes back on, forgetting some essentials. But--”

Michael furrowed his brow. “You were worried about me?”

“Yes.” Brian growled out as he let Michael’s hands continue their exploration. “Dammit… I was…” He had to place one palm on the wall, flat, to keep his balance.

“I appreciate the thought, but I’ll be okay.” Michael was gently kissing a path, or two, up and down Brian’s naked skin.

“When? Anytime soon?”

“Anxious?”

“I just--I don’t wanna lose--” Brian licked his dry lips, letting Michael suckle at his neck veins. “… _this moment_ …” Michael hit a particularly weak spot on his skin. “… _or you_ …”

“Not possible.” Michael raised his hands, sliding up Brian’s sides and brushing over the strong breast bone. He soothed the flesh on either side of Brian’s body. He heard the groan of pain sputtered out on his skin, the fast paced breathing. “ _What? What is it? What’s wrong?_ ” He lifted a hand to caress Brian’s cheek as he felt the body dip into his own. “Tell me… _Christ!_ ”

Brian stared intently at Michael, unsure that he could even bear to hear this kind of truth. He had known this was going to be the most difficult part of them developing back into their close relationship.

Michael stepped back a bit, keeping some hold on Brian to show him that he was here, and he was listening, not gauging an opinion. “I’m serious, Brian.”

“I know you are.” Brian brought up a hand to brush the backs of his knuckles down the pale cheek. “Please. Don’t move. Stay here.”

“Why?” Michael shook his head in doubt, watching Brian back up further from him.

Brian peeled off his button-down shirt. The material bunched in his hands, he brought up one arm to show Michael the right portion of the underside of his armpit. A reddened area marked a space near Brian’s upper chest, near his breast and rib cage. He moved his feet quickly to set in between Michael’s.

“What’s that?” Michael stepped a little backward, to find the wall behind him. He almost tripped over Brian’s strategically placed feet.

“A biopsy.”

“Of?” Michael’s eyes flittered everywhere on Brian’s upper torso, all over the naked skin. _Why?… what?…_ Brian looked perfectly fine, except for being tired and looking more pale than usual. “Cancer?” He choked out the response.

Brian nodded once. “Possible breast cancer. It‘s not frequently found in males, but it‘s more common than you think. Especially in men who‘ve--”

“... had cancer or have been treated for cancer before.” Michael finished for Brian, his jaw nearly on the floor. He didn’t know if he could move, stunned beyond belief.

“Say _something_.” Brian spoke in fear of having lost Michael already.

“What do you want me to say?” Michael closed his mouth, his heart pounding hard again.

“Ask me something?”

“Like what?”

“Anything?” Brian shrugged one shoulder, shutting his eyes to the eventual pain he had known he’d feel once Michael knew the truth. Would Michael even want him after _knowing_?

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Michael’s eyes misted with tears, not sure they would fall or simply cloud up his eyesight. The minute he swiped at one eye, the tear fell.

“Eventually.” Brian reached over to hook his hand behind the back of Michael’s head. He didn’t like it when Michael lowered his head in some kind of hibernation mode.

“How long?” Michael spoke, chin low to his chest. He was trying to fight Brian’s insistence he lift his head.

“How long… _what_?” Brian knew he had continually come to Michael when he was always “broken”, literally falling apart or half-way through death’s doorway. But this time, the decision had been made to work a path to an eventual ending beside Michael, despite any medical ailments Brian’s body might acquire.

“What stage are you at…” Michael wiped at the other eye. “... with this biopsy?” He lifted his head on his own, without Brian’s prodding.

Brian sighed heavily. At least Michael wasn’t running away or screaming at him. “I discovered the lump one day in the shower. Scared the shit out of me.” He nervously snickered out, wiping his face with a shaking hand. “My oncologist took me in for my one year-check up a little early, and he decided to expedite the procedure to perform the biopsy.”

“ _And?_ ” Michael went numb, not able to feel his own arms or hands. He tried to sit on them to make sure they were still functioning. Thank God he was leaning on the wall, he knew he might fall to the ground in a near faint.

Brian looked at Michael, his eyes glossed over with moisture. “I’m just waiting now, hanging by some single thread of hope, I guess. Managing to cling, as hard as I’m able to this faith in us…”

“Really?” Michael put a hand to his lips, feeling them quiver with emotion.

“Was I right to _believe_?” Brian placed a hand beside Michael’s head on the wall, his body leaning forward, invading the space between them.

“ _In us?_ ”

“Yes.” Brian choked out, as he sunk into Michael‘s nearness, needing just the barest of touches.

Michael was there to catch him before he fell. “ _No!_ You’re okay… _you‘re okay… you‘re okay_ . I’ve got you.” His arms secured about Brian’s slightly weakening body. He squeezed as hard as he could without causing Brian more pain. What he didn't know was that the hardest squeeze still would never be enough for Brian. “You’re here with me and you’re fine. I know you are. _I know you are_ . If you were sick you’d be… _sick_ , right?”

“Such an optimist. Now I know why I need you so much…” Brian engulfed Michael’s slim frame in both his arms, wishing he could have him closer. “… why I love you more than my own life.”

“Don’t say that.” Michael choked on a dry sob, trying to hold in his tears. He lovingly combed his fingers through Brian’s hair. “I’ve always been right here, willing to take you in any shape you came to me in.” He tried to lean back some, to look directly into Brian’s face. “That’s what we’ve been all about -- taking care of each other, kicking each other out of our dumps, picking each other up when we fall flat on our faces. _This…_ ” He flittered his hand about as if cancer were an annoying gnat in his face… and they simply brushed it away or squashed it flat. “… _this bullshit_ ain’t any different. Only _this_ time…” He took Brian’s chin in his hand, forcing him to stare him dead in the eye, which he knew was the one advantage he had to get Brian to listen. “… you know you’ve got more than one reason to want to live.”

“You…” Brian caressed, cupping Michael’s face in his hands. “… you were all the reason I ever needed… and you’ll still be the one reason I _want_ to stay here.”

“I wish you had let me in earlier, so I could have been there for you from the beginning.” Michael nodded his head. “But I understand that I was somewhat busy with my own life, and I apologize for that.”

“You’re always with me, never far from my side.” Brian meshed foreheads with Michael. “Even when you’re not there physically.”

“Take me upstairs.” Michael whispered strongly, determined to finally get what he always wanted. The sex wasn’t important. If it happened, so be it. But it was really to have Brian come to his bed with a thought on his mind other than simple friendship. He knew something had changed in Brian and he would be stupid to miss any opportunity, set out before him, to take their relationship to another level of intimacy.

“To your bedroom?”

“No… to yours.” Michael tilted his head to the side. “Give me a week…” He lifted his index finger to trace the outer rim of Brian’s full lips. “… I’ll make us the best bedroom you’ll ever dream of having.”

“What about the Loft?” Brian closed his eyes, sensitive to the touch of Michael’s skin on his. The Loft could go to all fuck, for all Brian cared. He had Michael right where he wanted him.

“Keep it.”

Brian reopened his eyes, raising a curious eyebrow. “You _sure_ ?” Had he heard that correctly?

“We’ll need somewhere to go for privacy. Or if we should fight and need some space. I don’t ever want to take that kind of freedom away from you. I’ll always leave you enough room to breathe.”

Brian sent his hands to cup the back of Michael’s head, bringing his mouth an inch from his own. “I can’t wait to be _suffocated_ by you.”

Michael smirked, right before their lips merged. “It’ll be my pleasure.”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Both Michael and Brian had one bag a piece of Brian’s luggage.

Brian lead the way up the stairs. He didn’t know why, but he kept looking down to make sure Michael was behind him, like he could very well lose sight of him -- should… ninjas suddenly attack or the steps fell from under them in a burning inferno. More intelligently, Brian had thought Michael might disappear because this moment was a daydream.

The hand on Brian’s ass made it perfectly clear… _this was_ _**no** _ _dream._ This was as real as it got for them.

Michael admired Brian’s backside on the trek upstairs. Once he reached the second floor, he was flabbergasted when the bag he carried was taken from him and he was steered to walk down the hall. He was being told to go to his daughter, make sure she was okay. He nodded his head, knowing full well what, and who, was really on his mind.

 _Crap!_

On his way to Jenny’s door, Michael began to realize how long it had been since he had been kissed or touched intimately by his husband, when it wasn’t attached to some appeasement of an argument or in lieu of Ben getting an opportunity to step out on his own, with his new group of friends. The only times he could recall them having sex… _really good sex_ … was being attacked in the shower and pressed against the tile wall.

That was all well and good. If the attacker was already _in_ the shower with you, but not so great when you’re just about to shampoo your hair and suds are burning your eye sockets out of your head. That kind of sex had been amazing, almost like being blindfolded. Michael thought he may have cum more than was allowed while blinded by Prell. But it wasn't satisfying enough. Ben would always run back out of the shower, leaving Michael with the awful stinging in his eyes all day long. Like drinking orange juice after you’ve brushed your teeth… _not a good sensation for the body_ .

Michael turned to look back at Brian as he was calmly walking into the bedroom that was Hunter’s. He sighed, shrugged and turned the knob to head inside.

Jenny rolled over the minute the light hit her bed sheets. “Daddy?”

Michael didn’t know if he could take her little voice calling him that precious word. For years, he’d known his own struggle to avoid saying it, never knowing his own father. “Yes… it’s me, Jenny.” He knew it was only Brian in the house, no sense in shutting the door.

Jenny lifted her arm. “... c'mere.” She was inviting him by her side, possibly under her covers. She wanted to share a few things with him before they both headed off to bed.

“Why… I’d be happy to.” Michael tried to contain himself from jumping on the mattress, so he sufficed with nearly sliding in the bed as if he were catching a home run. He got the giggles he wanted from Jenny, then proceeded to tickle and kiss her until she cried, “uncle”… or… peed all over him, whichever came first. Hopefully, not the latter.

“Daddy…” Jenny stopped the roughhousing, laying still in her father‘s arms. Her back flush with his front.

“Yeah, sweetie?” Michael knew it was time to get serious. He set them down on a pillow, snuggling her to his chest. He criss-crossed his arms over her body to hold her tight.

“... is Ben gone?” Jenny put a tiny hand over her father’s arm, rubbing the soft hairs.

“Yup.” Michael tucked his face in Jenny’s curls.

“... you okay?”

“Nope.” Michael tried to lay as quietly as he could with Jenny.

“...’m sorry.”

Michael felt the comforting touch Jenny attempted to give him, as best she could. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes we gotta grin and bear. Other times… we have to agree to disagree and let them go.”

“... Brian here?” Jenny asked, her body settling down into sleep.

“He sure is. You want to say ‘g’night’ to him?”

Jenny patted her father’s hand on her belly. “... I did... t'anks.”

“Anything for you.” Michael pressed a long, lingering kiss on Jenny’s cheek.

“... we are gonna be good, Daddy… Brian’s here… yur here... 'm here...” Jenny let out a decent yawn, cuddling into her own body. She wanted her father to know she was able to fall asleep on her own, all by herself. Some other night, she’d ask him to read her to sleep. _Tonight?_ Tonight she was too exhausted to pay attention or keep her eyelids open.

Michael remained by Jenny’s side until he heard the soft snoring. It was almost as adorable as when Brian slept, especially snuggled into his arms… _gentle bursts of breath on his neck… a knee tucked between his legs… a hand resting on his lumbar spine…_

 _Whoa…_

 _**Brian…** _ _yeah_ … not a good idea to have free-flowing thoughts about Brian around Jenny…

Well, basically, any time of the day wasn’t a good time.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Brian Kinney never fidgeted.

So why was he?... while sitting on the bed, up and moving?… while sitting on the chest at the end of the bed?… while wandering over to the doorway to look out into the hall, hanging off the doorjamb?… while checking the hallway for signs of Michael on his way?

And why did he run into the small bathroom in the hallway, look at himself in the mirror, comb his hair back from his forehead... to make sure he appeared like _what_ exactly? Was he trying to _impress_ Michael? _Why?_

“You’re a fuckin’ nutcase, Kinney!” Brian barked at his reflection in the mirror. “Get it… _to-ge-ther_ …” He blew out a breath, puffing out his cheeks. Then he caught sight of some lines around his eyes, in the very poor fluorescent lighting… _what a time to show his age!_

Brian paused, hearing a creak of the hardwood floorboards being stepped on… the soft shut of a bedroom door… the quickening feet toward another bedroom door… its consequential opening and closing.

 _What… in the world?_

Brian paced out, his bare feet heavy on the carpets as he yanked on the door to throw himself into the corridor. He was sure he’d come face-to-face with _someone,_ but nobody was out there. Not even Michael. It was only the cool breeze of the central air conditioning. As he turned to head back into his designated bedroom, he caught sight of Michael coming out from behind one door at the other end of the hallway.

That must be the master suite… _awwww, fuck_ … what he wouldn’t give…

Brian was tempted to race up to Michael and push him inside, tackling him to the big bed. He didn’t have any care about “Ben cooties” all over the furniture. It was the bed that worried him. Any image Michael still had, fresh in his mind, would have been created in that bed. Brian was having no more silly competition. He knew he had reached right where he was -- _fair and square_ .

Brian still moved forward, while Michael turned to pull his t-shirt down to meet the elastic band of his cotton gym shorts. He caught sight of that smidge of pale skin and knew that he was in for some kind of wild ride tonight… if _that_ simple move got him… discombobulated and nervous.

Michael didn’t lift his head until too late. He nearly bumped into Brian’s chest. “ _Hey! Wha--?_ ” He was silenced by those delectable lips he had been eying during the night, tempted to taste.

Brian had Michael almost lifted by only the grip on his elbows. One arm at a time came around to curl about Michael’s body, dipping him a little over his forearm. He pulled back, tasting something weird on his lips. “Hmm… _minty_ … you brushed your teeth for me? What are you -- _six_ ? Are we having our own private slumber party?” He teased as he smoothed his hands down Michael’s arm, stretching him away from his body. He was methodically dragging him toward the bedroom, through the door. He was giving Michael the chance to change his mind, if he suddenly grew a backbone or some morals.

Michael removed his hand from his own sore lips. “You brushed yours.” He could taste Brian’s toothpaste on his mouth.

“Yes, but **I** … have a certain _reputation_ to uphold. You, on the other hand--”

“ _ **Me**_ _… on the other hand…_ _ **what**_ _?_ Get to look like Uncle Jeb-Bob, black sheep of the family and fashion reject from Hee-Haw? I can‘t try looking and smelling nice for you?”

Brian knew he had caught Michael in an embarrassing situation. “You really want to look _nice_ for me?” He tugged Michael into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. “How sweet?” He went in for a pulsing neck vein, letting Michael‘s hands go… wherever they felt like they wanted to fall.

The door had never closed fully. It slammed shut as Michael was pinned to the paneling. They both chuckled at the humor of it.

“We’re… _pathetic_.” Michael groaned, leaning his head on the door, allowing Brian room to move about the column of his neck and collar bone.

Brian was coming close to slinking down Michael’s upper chest, heading for the pert nipples popping through the thin cotton t-shirt. “We’re old-er… and used to each other. We’ve held out for too long. We’re liable to--”

“… _fuck wherever we feel like_. Even on this door?”

“I’m game, if you are.” Brian announced, clearly trying to be as honest as he could without ripping what little clothes Michael had on… _off_.

Brian never knew how they made it to the bed. One minute he was kissing, suckling at Michael‘s upper torso, up and back again around the delicious neck and heading toward the back of one ear… then the next they were standing at the side of the bed, inches away, just staring into each other's eyes.

 _How to do this?_

All confidence laid bare… panicking on all levels, Brian paused… _How do_ _**I** _ _do this?_

For once, Brian was unsure on how to proceed. If he was truthful, he was always unsure of how to proceed with Michael. Always so afraid of screwing up the most important relationship in his life. As Brian started to lean forward, Michael's eyes stopped him, begged for him to take everything he had to give. Those eyes. Killer eyes. So dark and dripping passion… so serene and understanding the next. Michael could say more in a look than most writers attempted say in an entire novel. There was a hint of a smile that knocked Brian clear off his rocker. Gone was the uncertainty of twenty-plus years. Michael knew his heart, knew what he wanted; the waiting was finally over.

Again, Brian's body swayed toward Michael… only to be stopped by the barest hint of a head shake. Michael was taking control. He waited as Brian wrestled within, acknowledging with just his stance that inward struggle that would forever chain him to his past. Michael knew of one other time when Brian gave up control… _that time he allowed Justin to top him_ . He recalled when Brian had mentioned it simply in passing, but the pertinent information had stayed with Michael for days after. His heart ached at what he could have been given, if he had only had the guts like Justin did. Michael had been aware that the situation was more for Justin's healing, from the bashing, than it was for _anything_ else. Though even then, Brian was still in control, not allowing Justin any more power than what he was willing to give.

Michael didn’t have to be told that piece of information, he had known that since they were fourteen. He watched Brian's eyes, knowing he was remembering that same time, knowing exactly when the decision was made to give everything over to him. Brian took a shaky breath and then met Michael's gaze. He knew in an instant that this moment in time was what they had been heading toward since he walked into class; the new boy in school, determined to show no fear, to rule his fate and let no one in. Until Brian drowned in those eyes… those soft-brown, killer eyes.

Brian stood still as Michael slowly brought his hands up, with as gentle a touch as an angel’s kiss, caressed his face. This one movement set the tone of what was to follow; no longer the frenzied passionate fucking of dreams long ago wasted. The time was _now_ … and the fucking would be infected with too much care and respect, like a mournful yearning and a lust of untouched love from a youth untamed.

 _The gentleness of making love for the first time_ … was somewhere in Brian’s mind.

Michael slowly brushed Brian's shirt from his shoulders, lowering the soft material until it floated gently to the floor. With the most tender of touches, he traced Brian's breastbone from the center, out toward his shoulders, down his arms. His eyes following this finger’s path. Brian stood as still as the night, following Michael's eyes as he discovered the familiar, but yet… unfamiliar plains of Brian's supple body. The sharp angles and beautiful glow of an unbridled spirit. With the tips of his fingers, Michael ghosted a caress over the redden area, seeking and finding that small incision. It had healed over, scarring only slightly to look like a freakishly placed beauty mark.

"Does it hurt when I touch you?" Michael asked with the barest of whispers.

"Yes, a little," Brian shivered in his skin, choking back as good a response as he could muster. "Don't…" He pleaded as Michael's fingers jerked away.

Looking into the deepest depths of those hazel eyes, Michael waited until Brian found the breath to finish.

" _**… stop… please… don‘t stop…** _ "

Swallowing against tears, Michael gazed again at the incision. His fingers once again, feather light, tracing the slight swelling. Brian's body sagged as Michael placed the most gentle of kisses to the wound. Michael's hands went to Brian’s hips, grasping them slightly to give Brian the feeling of being held… if not dependent on his strength alone to hold him upright. Just enough pressure to know he would never fall from emotions flooding through him. Then Michael’s tongue flicked softly over the nearest nipple, lovingly soothing the sensitized skin with small nibbles, as it peaked. He wet his fingers, playing softly with the first puckered nipple, his tongue sought out and licked the other.

Brian’s knees almost gave out on him. After what seemed too short a time, Michael left Brian’s upper torso to once again lightly trace his fingertips down the stomach. He watched, fascinated, as if this was the first time he had ever seen Brian. In actuality, _it was_ . Hazy brown eyes were once again on Brian’s, with infinite slowness, Michael unbuttoned Brian’s pants and pushed them down. He let the material pool around the thin pale ankles. Taking Brian’s hand, Michael pushed him to sit on the edge of the bed. He lowered himself to the floor, tugging down Brian’s pants. Their connection, through their eyes, never severed.

Kneeling between Brian’s thighs, Michael reached up a steady hand to caress Brian’s face, his eyes shimmering, his throat choking back tears. That was when Brian lost it. Watching Michael absorb him with a dangerous blend of desire, admiration and love, he cupped Michael’s face and met him in a kiss so soft, so tender, so full of promise. Brian leaned back on the mattress, dragging Michael along the length of his body. He did quick work of Michael’s clothes, finding out there was nothing much under those thin cotton shorts… except a fully erect cock.

Michael pulled his t-shirt over his head. His raven hair in disarray, looking like a wild man straddling Brian’s hips. His hands planted on either side of Brian’s head, he hovered precariously, his head dipping in tempting swipes to tease and taunt. “Lucky for you, I know _exactly_ where Hunter hides lube… and a box of condoms.”

Brian swiftly shaped Michael’s ass in his palms, curving about the perfectly shaped globes of flesh. “No barebacking?”

Michael paused, staring down into those rich hazel eyes, how the pupil dilated and expanded upon each second they stepped closer to climax. “You’d do that with me, even knowing Ben was Poz?” He viewed Brian in disbelief, knowing not many men would make that kind of blanket decision on the spot. How unsafe it would be for Brian, not knowing if Michael was infected or not.

Slowly sitting up, taking Michael with him… Brian kissed and munched at Michael’s mouth. Adoring the spurts of breath on his face… the saliva shared between them. “That’s the kind of risks you take for someone you love… _right_ ?”

“Brian…” Michael still couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Ben hadn’t even been that much of a risk taker. And he knew how much Brian upheld his own rules about safe sex, with as many strange men he had rotating in his bed every night. “… no… I _can’t_ …” Another deep, long kiss shared, then broken. “… I _won’t_ …”

“You got tested as often as you could… _right_?” Brian watched Michael close his eyes and nod his head, losing himself in their rhythm, their bodies momentum picking up. “You made sure Ben _always_ wore a condom?” This time, a choked reply came out. “I trust you with my life… and I know you’d never hurt me intentionally.”

“ _Not… now… Brian. Please… don’t choose it now._ ” Michael covered his hand over Brian’s mouth, stopping him from making that kind of decision… so quickly. He frantically kissed a pattern over Brian’s face, lovingly attentive and showing such deep affection for the man he was about to give himself to, for the very first time. Christ… it was like being a “virgin” all over again… _sort of_.

Brian never knew Michael could move so fast, like lightning.

The condoms and lube already in hand, Michael kissed Brian to lay back down on the bed, stretching his arms above his head. “Stay _there_ .”

“Yes… sir.” Brian would have saluted, but some part of him was taking care of that in a lower portion of his body.

Michael sheathed Brian as effortlessly as he could, using his lips to lick his way around and up Brian’s body. Laying chest on chest, heart beating against heart, Michael allowed Brian to grab his hips, taking control of fitting inside of him as perfectly as they were able to accomplish as a duo. The first thrust almost killed Michael… his anal walls stretching from a celibacy he was forced into, without his doing.

“ _Oh… Jesus…_ ” Michael bit at whatever part of Brian was under him.

Brian didn’t mind the instantaneous shock of pain, because what was affecting Michael was nearly sending him into orbit. “ _Fuck… you’re tight…_ ”

“... _sorry_...” Michael groaned out, thrusting downward. His hard cock slapping Brian’s stomach. “ _Oh… it’s good… keep…_ ” He circled his hips to cause another sensation deep within.

“ _Yes! Keep… doing… that…_ ” Brian couldn’t believe how strong Michael was, especially at controlling the fucking. “ _God… you’re… this… it’s…_ ”

“… _what you’ve waited for…?_ ” Michael leaned his brow on Brian’s, sending his fingers to creep along the elongated, sinewy arms, ending at fingers and entangling them with his own.

Brian couldn’t take anymore, rolling them over. Now he hovered over Michael… the anticipation festering in Michael’s eyes of what was to come alone made Brian’s desire flourish and he began making love. Another series of combined thrust, in tandem… and Brian was murmuring whatever was in his head at the moment. “ _... IloveyouIloveyou… God… fuck… I love you…_ ”

Michael simply kept mum, responding with his own whispered emotions sent into Brian’s ears.

Their eventual climax together was as mind-blowing as any they had had in years, separate. Sweat pouring off their skin, bodies drenched and stuck together… their shared silly grins couldn’t be wiped off for all the money in the world…

“ _Marry me._ ” Brian growled out as he attempted to control his frenzied breathing.

Michael covered both hands over Brian’s face. “... silly… silly… gay man…”

Brian chuckled, knowing that this had been the first time, in a long while, he had ever truly genuinely laughed in bed. “Tha’s me…”

Michael inched up Brian’s body, draping off any part that was attached to him. “Me, too… especially the silly part…”

After everything they’d been through… _the day they’d had_ … and Jenny’s plight… Brian lost it, cracking up laughing as single tears poured down his face.

Maybe it was the way Michael said “silly” with an adorable lisp or the face he made… all Brian knew was… he never wanted to leave this bed… this house… or this man’s arms.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Brian awoke, first. He was laying on his back. He drew his hands up his chest. He did a feline stretch, pulling up his right leg only to come into contact with an unfamiliar leg barring his advance. He turned his head on the plush pillow, glancing over to see Michael, slumbering as deeply as he had just been.

They both must have fallen sound asleep as they conversed well into the night.

They were both hidden under the thick comforter, so Brian used the leverage to his advantage. He slowly flipped to crawl over, inching his way toward Michael. His hand was the first to come into contact with the warm naked flesh. Sending his palm on a trail over Michael’s trim frame, he discovered they were both still naked as the day they were born.

Michael moaned out a sigh as Brian brushed his fingers over the dark pubic hair that bedded the flaccid, spent member. Brian brought up the hand to cup the underside of Michael’s head, bringing him near to kiss. Mouths barely touching, he felt the sigh sent over his open lips. Michael only wanted to burrow deeper into Brian’s body, seeking more warmth. Brian opened his thighs, letting Michael slip his leg in between the tight muscles.

Brian sculpted Michael’s butt, spreading the cheeks and allowing his fingers to move down the exposed sensitive skin. He enjoyed the gulp of air Michael took, as if stealing his own breath. He knew that Michael was probably sore enough, the puckered skin drinking in his finger and the anal walls clenching in desperate need of something more… even in the midst of pain.

Michael began to churn his pelvis against Brian’s thigh, sending both their cocks into instant erections. “ _Yes…_ ” He bit at Brian’s ear, sliding his body onto Brian’s fingers, as they multiplied, filling up his hole to an extreme that woke him up from a dead sleep. “ _Again._ ” He silently begged, unsure if the box of condoms they had found earlier, in Hunter’s drawer, would outlast the evening into early morning.

“ _Ssshhh… easy…_ ” Brian murmured against Michael’s mouth, his tongue coming out to lick the plump flesh opening for him. “ _Take it slow… an' easy… just ride it out…_ ” He furrowed his brow by the pressure of Michael’s kisses and the forceful thrusting against his lower body. “We’ve got all the time in the world, Michael. There’s no sense in rushing.”

“I know.” Michael achingly sighed, falling on Brian’s strength. “I’m… more than ready for this… between you and I. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever.” He let out a soft squeal as Brian nearly reached his “sweet spot”. “ _Oh, god… yes…_ ” He bit at Brian's lips, trailing his mouth and tongue over Brian’s face, neck and collar bone. “ _Harder._ ” He begged, clenching over Brian’s fingers.

“No.” Brian answered, straight forward.

“ _Faster._ ”

“No.” Brian had no idea Michael was such a demon in the sack. Did he _not_ feel _any_ pain? Had Ben been such a wild animal he simply took what was given, never allowing Michael to even breathe for a minute and savor the pleasure? He shook his head to get Ben out of his thoughts… _no more_. “Dammit.”

“Wha-?” Michael’s gaze was hazy, if at its best. “Fuck…” He groaned, trying to flip Brian onto his back. He reached down to stroke Brian, loving the intense heat scorching his skin. No wonder he was so sore.

Michael had no idea to the size that Brian reached when he was fully aroused. He was even bigger than Ben had… _oh, nononono_ … no way was he even going there.

Brian wasn’t speeding up anything to appease Michael. He was taking his time, slowly torturing Michael’s poor libido.

Michael sure didn’t want to seem like a pervert. He tried to even out his breathing, slow down his erratic heartbeat as the blood rushed to his throbbing cock. “ _Holy, Jesus… Mother of Mary…_ _**and** _ _Joseph…_ ”

Okay… so Michael gave in. He threw himself on his back, laying down fully for Brian to rise above him, do what he wanted and take his time or race against some inner ticking clock. He brought up his arms and crossed them over his head… sacrificing his poor, flushed body to the slaughter. He was willing to be Brian’s plaything as long as he didn’t stop what he was doing, just kept increasing the intensity.

Brian hovered above, his fingers sliding out of Michael’s anus and swirling about the beautiful naked body beneath him. One knee helped Michael spread his thighs, lifting the tight butt, slightly, off the mattress.

The legs… _kinda sorta_ … wrapped about Brian’s own legs. They really wanted to surround the slim waist, raise up a little higher for a better entry position, but Michael knew Brian wasn’t having that… _for some ungodly reason._

Brian was liking the slow burn of a shared climax.

Michael knew, if Brian wasn’t careful, they would explode on impact for a, uh…

 _Was it a_ _**fourth** _ _… or a_ _**fifth** _ _time?_

 _Fuck…_ who cared… who was counting?

 

 **~*~The End**

 **EPILOGUE Next...  
**


	5. Chapter 5

****

  


**LOSE MY WAY - EPILOGUE**

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
**Later... early, the next morning...**   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Jenny heard the noises, from downstairs, as she was stepping out of her room. Playing it safe, she followed the trail of sounds, which would lead her to the kitchen. She knew that probably meant someone had taken charge of cooking breakfast. Her father must have gotten up a little early to make sure the food was ready before everyone else woke up. 

Jenny shuffled down the hallway, past Hunter’s bedroom, where Brian lay fast asleep. She darted into the bathroom, taking care of some personal business. Once she flushed, reaching up to wash her hands, she ventured out with a certain “skip” to her step. She wasn’t quite sure why she felt happier than she had been in months. She only knew _something_ had definitely changed in this house. 

Jenny rushed to the closed door, knocking softly. She hoped Brian was either already awake or sound asleep. She only wanted to whisper a “Good Morning… I love you.” in his ear before she ran down to feed her ravenous stomach. When no response came, she gently turned the knob open. 

The clump of bed linen clearly meant a body was laying somewhere underneath, possibly asleep or in hiding from daylight. All that could be detected was that the form was bone-tired, soft, heavy breathing mumbling under the covers. 

Jenny cautiously tip-toed near, trying to hide giggles behind her hand. She flipped one end of the comforter to reveal the dozing figure. She was glad to have her hand over her mouth to stem her noise of shock. 

The man Jenny uncovered was not Brian, but her own father. For a second, she thought she might have walked into the wrong room. As sunlight poured in, looking around the area showed all of Hunter’s personal items he had left behind. 

Jenny glanced back down to her father, who lay content in sleep. His head was turned away, face toward the other wall, but it was tucked under pillows and blankets. One arm was stretched out, from his body, to dangle over the bed to the floor. She moved closer, trying not to disturb the peaceful slumber. 

A slight shake of the mattress caused Michael to shift, rearranging himself. Still laying flat on his belly, he flipped his face over. 

Jenny stepped back, a little feared she had woken her father and would get in trouble. She figured she was safe in sticking with her original plan. Walking precariously toward the petite ear displayed, she leaned in, taming back the unruly curls of her father's raven locks. “... g’mornin’, Daddy… I love you… lots…” Placing the barest of kisses on the naked cheek, Jenny didn’t wait for any reply. She bolted from the room in a near fit of excitement. 

_What did this mean?_ , Jenny wondered. 

One thing she did know, it meant Brian was making all that noise in the kitchen. She tried not to show her happiness too much. She might scare Brian away with her overflow of giddy emotions. She climbed calmly downstairs, using the railing for balance. The closer she came to the floor, the wider her eyes grew. 

_How long had Brian been awake?_ He had filled the dining room table close to full with an array of every breakfast meal imaginable. 

As Jenny journeyed around the table, she noticed there were three places set. By the time she walked by the entire table, she decided to head into the kitchen. 

Brian was standing at the stove, perfecting his pancake skills by flipping them in the pan, through the air. 

Jenny clapped, then tried to whistle like Brian had attempted to teach her. When it didn’t sound like it was supposed to, she gave up, resorting to only clapping ecstatically. 

Brian turned from the stove, graciously bowing. “Why, thank you… and good morning, Lady Jenny.” 

Jenny knew she didn’t have to run, but she still quickened her steps, jumping into Brian’s arms. “... g'mornin' to you, Brian.” She bent her head in order to make sure he heard her last comment. “I love you.” She burrowed in his arms for a quick hug. She wasn’t sure Brian felt like letting her go yet. That was fine. She would keep an eye on his frying pan for him, before the pancakes burnt to a crisp. She soothed his back, hugging him tightly. 

Brian stood stunned, for only a second or two, before he could react as easily as Michael did when someone declared those three little words outloud. Although, truthfully, to Brian… those words weren’t that little. They were beginning to fill up a major, empty void in his wasted life. 

Brian carried Jenny over to the counter, setting her down. He didn’t want to mumble a reply as a knee-jerk response to her words. He stared her in the face, biting his top lip to stem some kind of emotion from spilling forth. He almost couldn’t say the words, even as plainly as she had stated them. 

Those eyes of hers told Brian plenty. They allowed him a minute to breathe. They understood if he couldn’t quite say them at _that_ very second. And they also told him, if he chose to say them, it didn't mean he wasn't being his true self and that it was safe to be his usual tough and strong persona. 

Brian suddenly didn’t want that anymore. He wasn’t ashamed of possibly needing the love of a raven-haired imp… or the love of that imp’s raven-curled daughter. “I love you, too… Jenny.” He chucked her under her chin, adoring the little smirk surfacing. She had known already, but granted it was sweet to hear the words roll off Brian's tongue. “I think…” He splayed his arms on either side of Jenny’s legs. “I’m pretty sure I always have.” He saw her swallow and nod her head in agreement. “I guess I’m not that smart as you. But I can assure you… I always will…” 

Jenny blushed, hanging her head. “Swear?” 

“I do.”

Jenny reached out to pet Brian’s forearm as if to say he didn't have to go to the trouble. “... t'ank you...” 

Brian noticed Jenny trying to contain her laughter. “You like this, don’t you? Feeling all superior over your supposed, know-it-all adult peers?” 

Jenny shrugged. “... I _know_ things... nobody _thinks_ I do, but I _do_.” 

“You wait for them to come to their senses, huh?”Brian snickered, shaking his head in amazement. “Even if it takes them almost all their life?”

“... I don' mind... I got time, no rush...” Jenny teased Brian, knowing full well he’d used that very expression before with other people.

“Yes, truly the soul of being a party-pooper.” Brian sighed, handing Jenny a crisp bacon strip from his basket- full. “Have you seen your father?”

Jenny crinkled her brow. What a weird question for Brian to ask. _Hadn’t he--? Was her father not in his--?_ That was when she could see Brian’s face. How he tried to hide behind the sheepish grins he couldn’t seem to curb. Like they were uncontrollable hiccups. “... nope... _do_ _ **you**_ _?_ ” 

Brian stopped flipping food and stirring pots to glance sideways at Jenny. “Do you want to _tell me_ … or _ask me_ _anything_?” He was getting the strong impression Jenny knew quite a bit more than she let on. 

Jenny sincerely took a minute to think. She shook her head, smirking at the thought of Brian finally… _maybe possibly_ … happy and her father taking the blame. “... nope, not really.” She put her arms out to be lifted and placed back on the floor. 

Brian freely obeyed, looking down at Jenny’s dark head. He waited for her next command. 

“... can I help?” Jenny blinked up at Brian, looking about the kitchen to see what she could get into.

Brian moved to hand her three ceramic plates. “You may place these wherever you like, Lady Jenny.” 

“... cool... i’mma come back.” Jenny was gone, doing her one duty. “... give me more stuff to do... Daddy's still sleepin'...”

Brian attempted to contain his snicker, faltering somewhat, but he held strong. 

“Hey…” Michael replied from the second entryway. “I _resemble_ that remark.” He eyeballed Jenny from one eye and Brian on the other, split-screen vision.

Brian held his body stiff at the stove, unable to turn around and face Michael. He knew he was approaching, feeling the warmth radiate toward his back. Was his face red, yet? One thing Brian wasn’t positive of was… what the next step was… How comfortable was Michael with all these changes in his life coming at him full force? Brian didn’t want to be the final straw to break an extremely burdened back. He wasn’t even certain what Michael might want from him. For the first time in years, Michael was actually scaring the shit out of him. Brian had somehow lost control and he was unsure of his plan for a future. 

Michael paced up to Brian, surrounding his arms about the trim waist. He lay his head, cheek flat, on Brian’s back. He drew Brian backward, shocked at the pliability of the tall, sturdy frame. “I could get very used to this.” He inhaled Brian’s leftover freshly-showered scent combined with the smells of a well-cooked-in kitchen. 

“ _My cooking?_ ” Brian teased, hesitating to touch Michael’s bunched hands, sneaking under his t-shirt.

“That too.” Michael sighed, resting against Brian’s body.

“ _What are we doing_ , Michael?” Brian asked sweetly, looking over at the dark hair on his shoulder. His voice held a timber of fear.

“What do you mean?”

“Ben’s gone… an' I’m here.”

“ _So where does that leave you_ , you ask?” Michael lifted his head, his chin placed on Brian’s shoulder.

“Is that a stupid question for me to have considering--?” Brian didn’t want to go into too much detail with Jenny not being far from them.

“No. You have a right to ask.” Michael twisted about Brian’s body, sneaking underneath to come out facing him, caught between stove and heavily breathing abdominal walls. “Barring what happened last night…” His lips skimmed Brian’s chin. “… and our incredible time early this morning…” He tucked his arms under Brian’s biceps, curling about the shoulder joints. “… the old Michael would have given Brian an easy ’out’. He would have told Brian that though he loved him, he understood the need for his own space, that safety net of bachelorhood. He would have known Brian Kinney needed the freedom to be who he really is.”

Brian knew Michael was coming to some thoroughly thought out conclusion that would probably rip his heart to shreds. “And the New, Improved Michael… thinks _what_?” 

“He’s known who Brian’s been all this time.”

“Oh… _who?_ ”

“ _ **His**_ … _always has been, always will be_ …”

Brian caught his next breath before he choked, shutting his eyes in disbelief. He dipped his head, knocking brows with Michael. He wasn’t sure he could handle the pressure of emotions wanting to come out. 

“The New, Improved Michael will never forget to tell Brian that he loves him, but he surely won’t ever let him go. Even to spend his nights in his stinkin’ bachelorhood. I know for certain _this_ Michael will never give Brian an ’out’, even if he asks for one nicely. I think they’re stuck together… for good.” To prove his point, Michael almost latched his entire body onto Brian's frame.

Brian pulled away slightly, to stare down at Michael… and his silly “monkey business”. “You wanna catch yourself on fire?” 

Michael bumped Brian’s pelvis with his own, making them scoot a few feet from the stove. “That _better_?” 

“Oh… _much_.” Brian went on gazing at Michael. “I can pretty much tell you right now, if what I hear is true… Brian doesn’t want any ‘out‘, _whatsoever_. If he _does_ ask, it's not him anymore So just go ahead and shoot to kill. Or he might have gone a bit mental and it'll be best to put him out of his misery.” He paused to let Michael chuckle, loving the vibrations against his belly. His arms tightened, his head bending lower to brush against the side of Michael’s face. “The only way I know Brian will leave Michael’s side is by death… and he’s guaranteeing that situation will _not_ happen anytime in the next fifty or so years.”

“ _Fifty? Really?_ ” At Brian’s nod, Michael went on. “So Brian is fairly sure he’s not going anywhere?”

“No, not for a very long, _long_ time.” Brian bent his head and rested it in the crook of Michael’s neck and collarbone. “... _if you want him_...”

“I do… I really, _really_ do…”

And so commenced the next mind-blowing kiss that rocked all the other kisses off the Best of Three list. 

Michael was really gonna miss that airport kiss… it had a special place in his heart… as do all of Brian’s kisses, in one way or another. 

 

 **~*~THE END**

  



End file.
